Kids are gross. I say this all the time. I know I’m right. Both little kids and big kids are completely disgusting. They are cesspools that spread germs everywhere they go. Some days their grossness is really overwhelming, especially when I have to clean the bathroom.

The twins share a bathroom that is basically only used by them. Even after I ask them to clean it there is usually so much hair and grime leftover that it makes my stomach turn. They either don’t know what “clean” means or they need their eyes checked. Otherwise they are just ignoring the grime in the toilet and the spit on the mirror. Teenagers would never do that.

The little boys make their own special mess in the bathroom. They seem to have absolutely no idea how to get their pee into the toilet. I’ve tried having them aim at Cheerios. I’ve tried instructing them to make sure the pee hits the water. I’ve tried making them clean the mess on the floor themselves. Nothing helps. Every couple of days I have to spray down the entire toilet bowl and the floor beneath it because there is nasty, crusty, urine scum around it. That bathroom either smells like pee or bleach.

Jackson is a passive-aggressive peer. If he gets in trouble (big trouble that is, since he gets in little trouble every 30 seconds) the next time he pees he gets back at me. I am pretty sure he just stands on the stool and spins in a circle. At least once or twice a week there are pee spots on the shower curtain. So gross.

A friend of mine watched him at her house a couple of weeks ago and found pee all over her bathroom too. Nice. Luckily, she is a good enough friend not to judge me, at least no to my face.

The bathroom is the number one way kids are gross. Here are the top 4 after that.

2. Poop. The twinkies have a lot of poop issues. I don’t remember if the twins did or not, I think I blocked it out. A few times a day I hear someone yell from the bathroom “CAN SOMEONE WIPE MY BUTT!!” Which is better than having them wipe it themselves. They use about 1/16 of a square of toilet paper to do it, so you can imagine how gross their hands are afterward. Jackson brought me this once, I like to call it ‘poop in a bowl.’

3. They eat gross things. The twinkies eat things off the floor, even if we are not at home. They also do really gross things like dipping strawberries in tomato soup or going fly style and chewing their food, spitting it out, and then putting it back in their mouths. My oldest son is 14, so eats anything and everything. It’s gross. For breakfast he eats a bowl of cereal while he waits for his toast. Then he puts about 3 cups of cinnamon sugar on each slice. This is an example of his lunches, 3 grilled cheese sandwiches, tomato soup, and 2 muffins.

4. They make huge messes when they eat. My kids, both the big and the little schmear food everywhere when they eat. The teens make their own snacks sometimes, but are completely incapable of wiping up crumbs/peanut butter/jelly/chocolate from the counters. The twinkies leave what can only be described as a disaster area after they eat meals. I am not sure much food actually gets in their mouths. At least I have a dog to help clean up this mess.

5. Braces. Gross, gross, gross. I find rubber bands all over the house. Every day. I’m not sure if they just pop off when they eat or if the big kids are slowly trying to drive me mad.

This is why I drink so much.