I’ve blocked out most of Taryn and John’s early years. Or maybe I blacked out too much to remember anything, it’s hard to tell. That must be why I have no understanding of developmental milestones. Some of the kids the twinkies play with can add and subtract. Some can color perfectly in the lines. Some ride bikes without training wheels.

Reese and Jackson eat yogurt with their hands.

This year in preschool they are learning how to spell and write their names. Reese has always been the more dexterous of the two. Last night he put together a 100 piece puzzle. He’s a puzzle savant. Learning to write his name, aside from a backwards ‘S’ was simple.

Jackson is having a tough time. In his defense he does have a harder name. Reese only had to learn three letters, Jackson has seven. It’s hard, at least that’s what I tell myself. Don’t worry, Jackson isn’t the least bit upset about it. He’s perfectly happy to write a ‘J’ and an ‘a’ then scribble the rest so he can get back to mentally torturing his teachers.

I was sure he at least knew how to spell his name. Tonight I tested the theory.

“Reese, how do you spell your name?”

“R-E-E-S-E”

“Good job! Jackson, how do you spell your name?”

“J-A-B-X-Y-10-K”

I know what I’m getting him for Christmas.

Does anyone know if they still make these?

Did you hear? It’s on CNN.com, because it’s totally news, Kelly Preston lost 39 lbs. It’s amazing. It’s a feat unknown to man. She had a baby and then lost weight, shocking.

What’s more shocking is that she allegedly lost the weight on a plan designed by Kirstie Alley. It’s called The Organic Liaison, quite possibly the worst brand name I’ve ever heard. Organic Liaison? It sounds like some dirty little mud person is going to pick out my food and scold me for eating snickers bars.

You can read all about it on her web site. Beware, it looks like it was designed by Taylor Swift.

On crack.

The plan includes diet supplements with cartoon characters on them. Just in case your 9-year-old daughter is chubby and not yet old enough for liposuction. You have to drink one of the supplements, called Rescue Me, five times a day. At no point in the day will Tommy Gavin show up on your doorstep, I think that’s false advertising.

There are also other supplements including a green tea and a nighttime supplement. The nighttime supplement is called Nightingale. Puke.

Dieters are also required to eat lots of fiber. Of course, all food must be organic.

At some point during the day one must also take a colon cleanser. It’s called Relieve Me. Seriously. I couldn’t make that up if I tried.

Gross.

I’m pretty sure Ms. Preston lost 12 pounds of baby and 27 pounds of this: