I’m not here. Dallas and I are on our long-awaited honeymoon. I promise I’m not thinking of this blog for even one second. Lucky for you guys I did think about you before I left and planned an all-star guest line up with some of my bloggy friends. I hope you enjoy their posts and show them some love. I’ll check up on you when I get back.
Poppy is easily one of my favorite bloggers. Her blog is called Funny Or Snot. How could you not love a blog with that title? She is seriously funny which is why she also writes for Aiming Low. She’s almost too fancy for my little blog, but she was willing to slum it over here anway. I knew I loved Poppy (yes, that’s her real name) when she told me, “wasted sarcasm makes me sad.” I think you’ll love her too.
Uterus Built For One
Like Bridget, except he was a dude, my great grandfather on my father’s side was responsible for two sets of twins. My paternal grandmother was one half of a fraternal set born in 1921. I say was because they’re both dead. Interestingly, they died the same year. My grandmother had really hoped that one of her descendants would have the twin gene and we constantly disappointed her by popping out singletons.
After my grandfather died, she was really lonely. What an outsider would assume was a caustic relationship was really masked affection. I guess. Either that or my good natured grandfather just turned the volume way down on his miracle ear as a coping mechanism.
My grandfather died when I was 23 and newly married. My husband at the time, Rat Bastard, worked out of town. My house was only 5 minutes away so during a time of transition for both of us, I spent a lot of time just hanging out with her. My grandmother’s crankiness was legendary, but usually it just made me laugh and think of all the shit I could get away with when I’m old.
If we went to a buffet, she would complain about the restaurant being stingy with the meat that she put on her own plate. If we went to a Mexican restaurant and she covered her food in salsa, she’d complain it was too spicy. If I spent 4 evenings a week with her, she would complain nobody came to visit the other 3. She never got used to being alone.
I did try to spend time with her because I knew she was lonely. We took a road trip to Seattle to see a Mariner’s game. Our seats were so bad that I thought I was going to have to give her chest compressions before we reached them. When I got pregnant with my oldest, I shared the news with her first. Sewing bibs and baby blankets gave her a project. She sewed them in duplicate even though I assured her through ultrasound technology there was only one baby occupying my uterus.
My oldest got to spend a lot of time with my grandmother, but many years and a husband passed between my first and second pregnancies. By the time I was pregnant with my second child, my grandmother was no longer ambulatory due to a stroke and lived in a care center. I brought my second daughter in often because my grandmother has always loved babies. She couldn’t do much but smile and complain with her eyes, but I know she was glad to see us.
She died before my youngest child was born which makes me sad. Not because I wanted to continue parading my kids around the adult foster home, but because my son has always been really big and my daughter very small. I think I could have slapped a bonnet on my son and convinced my grandma they were twins.
I’m so sorry she past away, she sounds wonderful.
Your ex husband has an interesting name!
For some reason this post made me a little teary. Your grandma sounds wonderful, too bad she didn’t get to see the “twins”.
their is nothing like having a twin to go threw life with / you learn to share from the start ! / lots of time we do not have to say anything we know !!!!!!!! ///
Poppy, your love for your grandmother shines through this blog. I love the name “rat Bastard”…..really says a lot
Enjoyed your post and intend to jump over and read the rest.
Poppy, I think I love you. Too much too soon? You almost made me cry….and then I remembered the line about how cranky we get to be when we are older. Thanks to your Gramdma for paving the way. She sounds like we was quite the woman.
You had me at “uterus”…touching (yet snarky) post!
It must annoy the hell out of your kids that people think they are twins…I loved reading this, your grandmother sounds like she was a kick!
Just like you…
My brother and I were mistaken for twins, but we were under 2 years apart. The best was when we were like 6 and 5 and my mom gave us perms. Both of us. Bleach Blond Afros, that was us, trotting down the road. Awesome. Too bad Gramma didn’t witness your fake-twins, you’d have been her favorite.
That’s funny. My great grandmother was the same way. Except nobody liked her at all. People ask if Natalie and Justin are twins all the time. Awesome Post!
Awesome. I have always wanted twins in the family. And secretly think I have the missing twin gene. I just never seem to get around to trying it out.
My sister and I are 11 months apart and were constantly mistaken for twins, mostly because my mother dressed us alike. God, how I hated that. It still makes me unreasonably angry when I see people dress their children alike.
THEY ARE NOT PROPS.
I may have some unresolved issues about this.
Glad your grandma had the opportunity to bitch at you for at least two of your babies.
She sounds like a kick, just like you.
Also, I think her kind of complaining is a lost art. The world needs more crochety old women, damn it!
And the twin gene…that aint no joke. My cousin, a twin, while dating a fellow got pregnant with twins. Had them, married him and BOOM got pregnant with twins again.
I don’t visit…just in case its actually something in the water.
Poppy love the nickname Rat bastard. Your Grandma sounded awesome.
Its nice that you got to spend time with her before she passed away…
Poppy with a dash of sweet and not a wasted word of sarcasm.
In other words, perfect.
Nice job bringing the big guns, Bridget.
(Which is not a reference to your boobs, Poppy. I’m just suggesting that you rock.)
And having read about your Grandma here, I now know why.
Sounds like Poppy’s got a lot going on. Do love the name – the blog’s and the blogger’s and Grandma sounded like a real hoot as well. Hope the honeymoon was as much fun!
Rat Bastard ? That just cracked me up. I hope he reads your blog
Hey all! Im trying to keep up with the comment moderation. If you dont see your comment right away, give me a little and ill get it approved! Sorry for any delay. Your comments rock!!
It would have been funny to see a bonnet on your son’s head as you took him in to see your grandma to pass them off as twins.
Oh- I went from sad to happy to sad to happy in this post.
Awesome! My grandma was a grumpy ass old lady too. She just didn’t like me much. Oh well. It would have been funny to see Hank in a bonnet
I have a feeling your Grandmother would have loved this assessment of her.