I’m not here. Dallas and I are on our long-awaited honeymoon. I promise I’m not thinking of this blog for even one second. Lucky for you guys I did think about you before I left and planned an all-star guest line up with some of my bloggy friends. I hope you enjoy their posts and show them some love. I’ll check up on you when I get back.
Tricia and I have something very important in common. The Army. While I am an Army wife, mom, and blogger she is a former Army officer, mom, and blogger. If you are part of a military family you understand how deep that connection is, if not-you’re missing out. She blogs at Critters And Crayons. She crafts, but I like her anyway. This post is extremely special to me and I truly can’t thank Tricia enough for sharing it here at Twinisms.
What My Kids Taught Me About Leading
There are times that I look around my home and really think about the things that I have hanging on my walls or in my closet that offer brief reminders of the stranger I used to be. Tonight, I look at the framed Guide-On from my Company Command days. (For non-military types, the Guide-On is the flag that marches with your unit under your leadership and is a symbol of completion of your leadership time with that unit.)
I wouldn’t say that I’ve changed as much as I’d say I’ve evolved as a person.
Regardless, life is vastly different from what it was before we had children.
I spent almost 10 years in the Army and left over five years ago to pursue our goal of starting a family and to further my education. These were two elusive goals during the near decade I had served. There are many who managed to do both of those things simultaneously despite deployments and other hardships. I had not. I knew I needed to make the decision and sign the paperwork before I hit that 10-year half-way mark or made Major.
It would have become hard to leave once I hit those career milestones, so I left with 9.5 years in. I worked as a civilian. I started my family. I got some graduate degrees. I had kids. I quit my civilian job, too. I care for my family now. I blog.
I know. Cover your ears to quell the crescendo of achievement at the end. (I’m talking about the blog, by the way. I actually consider being a mom to be the single greatest achievement of my life.)
With great angst and trepidation, I chose to become a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM) a couple of years ago. I love it. This surprises me. This surprises my family. It surprises my former co-workers. I’m pretty sure it surprises the absolute Hell out of the Soldiers who used to be in my units.
Now, I am a nurturer. I write a mom-blog. I craft cutesie little things with my kids. (Stop puking, Bridget.) I am sympathetic. I am compassionate. I listen. I cook food. I say again. I cook food.
I was none of these things before I had kids. I was the opposite of these things.
I certainly cannot speak for all women in the Army, and I would never presume to do that. I speak for myself when I say that I operated those years in the Army extremely guarded that any act of compassion or sympathy would be distorted as some proof of weakness of leadership.
I will not conceal that I believed that a man in Company Command could be perceived as sympathetic and compassionate with more ease than a woman could. On rare occasions, I’d see a fellow Officer, show intense empathetic emotion to a Soldier and think that he was fortunate that he could afford to do that.
My husband says that statement could be perceived as an insecurity. I don’t know about that. I think it’s a fact that most women need to walk a fine line, otherwise there wouldn’t be best-selling books written about why women don’t get the corner office.
I operated under the assumption that my job should be to make sure the mission happened and I would fight for it to be accomplished as quickly as possible and as well as possible. That was my job.
My First Sergeant (for non-military folks, the highly respected command advisor, confidante, and voice of the troops in the unit) would help temper that mission-focused zeal by campaigning for the wants and needs of the people and families in the unit. That was his job.
Somewhere in the middle, in our offices late at night or via our never-ending blackberry leashes, our wills would bend and our minds would meet so that our unit would accomplish the mission to as high a standard as possible with the Soldiers being taken care of to the greatest degree possible.
At least, that was the theory and the hopeful outcome.
Maybe that’s a little clinical for some folks. It might even be a little screwed up to some folks. It might be a lot screwed to a lot of folks.
That’s the thing about leadership theory and practice.
Everyone’s a critic and few of us ever will be like Patton.
So, the background I’m trying to establish is that I was not a particularly nice Commander. I wasn’t always sympathetic or compassionate. I might have been a little confrontational. A little. Okay, a lot. I might have been right about some things but probably wrong about many. There was a lot of good learning going on.
I’m not sure what kind of a Soldier or Commander or Staff Officer I would have made after I had my kids because so much about who I thought I was changed when I had them.
I am the stereotypical example of a formerly child-averse, objectively svelte, cold and judgmental woman who received the karmic retribution of two adorable, kissable kids. With them came a love for All Things Child, a bigger heart, a mom-body, and an enduring love of mini-vans. (Stop wretching, Bridget.)
If there is any doubt to my surgical approach to life and my previous ambivalence about having children at all, I invite you to look at the Decision Matrix I made, (kind of in jest, but not really) as we considered whether we might even have kids years ago. This is an end product after all definition of screening criteria, evaluation criteria and measurable benchmarks were created. Yes. Seriously.
I valued empiricism and objectivity. I still do.
It is a great and rational way to approach life.
Kids do muddy that up, though.
And, no I can’t quantify how much they muddy things. Those little deal-changers really force a subjective approach to life, whether you like it or not.
I think (well, I know) I would have struggled immensely in the Army with the trials of nursing my babies amidst a punishing operational tempo, the challenges of managing a Family Care Plan when baby-sitters and caretakers fall through the cracks, changing schedules, fevers, multiple deployments, chronic ear infections, imposing deadlines, hand-foot-and-mouth disease, recurring training requirements, lice, and other ankle-biting minutiae.
It was hard to be on time to work and not become frazzled working a much less demanding civilian job with a deployed husband and kids. I didn’t have to worry about urinalysis at dawn, physical training at 6 AM, or lengthy field problems apart from the people who mattered most to me in the world.
Oh, maybe I’ll pen a story one day about what it was like to be one-half of the the Dual-Income No Kids Married Soldier Couple, and then the geographically single working mom of two kids with a deployed husband the next.
I became the woman whose hardships were invisible to my former self.
So many kudos need to go to the women in uniform who have kids. I don’t know if people realize what they do, what they go through, or how hard it is for them. And even if you ask, I doubt they’ll even tell you. There’s that weakness thing I was talking about earlier.
And while we’re lauding, so many praises must also go to the family members who are left behind to keep their homes in repair, kids fed, bills paid, shopping done, emergency room runs made, night-time bloody noses cleaned, bums wiped and their own personal tears restrained.
I am a woman.
I wore the uniform.
I had no freaking idea.
I mean that. You can call me socially inept. Callous. Selfish.
Name-calling doesn’t change the reality that ignorance of the hardships of these women and families was very, painfully real.
I recognize their struggles now that I have kids, years after I was in a position where it would have mattered for me to understand their mother-struggles.
Don’t get me wrong, please, with all this self-deprecating banter.
I don’t have many regrets about my time as a Company Commander. I feel it was a successful command, mostly because I had an outstanding command team and some ridiculously awesome Soldiers. Even the mistakes I know I made were great learning points. The mistakes, especially, have been the greatest learning points.
But, I do wish I could go back and show a little more sympathy to young Soldiers with families and their family members with more knowledge and understanding. Even if the answers were still “NO”, I think a little human compassion might have gone a long way to soften the blow of denial.
In many ways, the Army was a great platform for me to learn skills that would help in life and in motherhood (which I’ll explore another day). Conversely, I think being a mother has taught me a lot about how I can be a better leader and manager when I make my way back into the work force.
The qualities that many might associate with weakness (those of sympathy compassion, caring and listening) actually take quite a bit of strength to show and act on in leadership positions.
I dare say it takes a certain bravery to be a leader who is willing to genuinely show these traits and not be afraid of a potential distortion and perception of weakness.
I’m looking forward to going back to work one day with this Executive Mom-Experience under my belt.
Between Army training and this running-a-family thing I’ve got going, I might actually have a clue when it matters.
I’m kind of counting on it.
The “Don’t Take Offense” Disclaimer:
Before I start getting hate mail from leaders and members of the work-force who do not have children for any number of reasons, please note that I am in NO way implying that you or anyone else needs to have children to be a good leader. I am only saying that I estimate that MY experience of having children has made ME more aware and that it will make ME a better leader. You might actually get some of the stuff that people are going through without experiencing it firsthand. I didn’t.
Please be advised that any hate-mail will be maintained by me to be published at a later date where I make fun of you in my own blog at www.crittersandcrayons.com. And, if you want to see what I write about YOU, well, you should probably just subscribe to my blog. Have a great day and a great life. At this stage of my life, post-kids, I actually mean that. That is all.
[...] What My Kids Taught Me About Leading [...]
I appreciate your brutal honesty. And I am sure other Female Military leaders feel the same way. I know as a civilian working spouse and mom my weeks are rough at best. I can’t imagine being in a dual Military family. Thanks for sharing your learnings!
You’re welcome! Being a civilian working spouse and mom is crazy hard, too. No doubt about that!!! Thanks for your comment.
Tricia, what a brutally honest, important post. I can’t imagine what Army wives, never mind Female Military who are wives go through. I watch Bridget with awe. You are right up there. It is a shame that we have to see compassion as weakness when it really is a strength. I love your post. I have read a few before and you now have a subscriber. Thank you for sharing. BTW it appears you have more than “a clue”…
Thank you so much for that kind comment. I started out writing a different post- kind of the opposite about how th Army prepared me for motherhood but I kept coming back to this theme about the things I wish I’d known because of motherhood. I’m so glad you think I have a “clue”…I’m hoping to have a bigger one down the road. haha! I think that the woman-compassion dilemma is one that is not limited to the military, too- I don’t malign women who are “hard” because I do understand why they are….. thanks so much for the subscription! Made my morning, Jo-Anne!
That was very beautifully written and gave me, an Army wife of nearly 13 years, a new perspective on women in the military. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for that! It didn’t occur to me that it would give a new perspective on women in the military but I guess that makes sense! Thank you for your loyal service as a long-time Army wife!
Thank you so much for this post. I think your candid account showed a lot of the similarities women experience trying to balance a career and a family and the sacrifices we make regardless of who we work for. Still, a military life is something most civilians are completely clueless about, myself included. By the way, I love your disclaimer at the end – some people can get so defensive.
Nami- I do believe that the challenges of being a working mom are not limited to military women- There are some unique challenges for military spouses and military moms that aren’t common knowledge (like the deployments, field time, urinalysis and physical training to name a few)….All moms have our struggles, that is for sure! I’m glad you like the disclaimer! haha!
This is one of the most honest post I’ve ever read since I’ve joined the blogosphere. Thank you for sharing, you’ve made me a better person just for sharing your experience. Thank you! So happy that your decision matrix lead you to where you are now.
Thanks so much, Ava- The Decision Matrix started out as a kind of joke- but it wasn’t really. My husband and I were really torn. Life was very good before kids. Did we want to mess that up? So glad we did because our lives haven’t ever been better. Never harder. But never better. Thanks so much for your very nice comment!
Oh, you see I never and ever know someone related to the Army in whatever degrees. Now, I am a better person for the simple fact that I know now that there are moms like you and Bridget out there, taking motherhood to another awesome level. Again, thanks!
I don’t know why, but I presumed that this would be read mostly by folks in military circles. I’m so glad it translated to readers that have no experience in that culture. It is a special way of life and it certainly isn’t the easiest path. Women like Bridget have to be pretty tough to do what they do. Thanks, again, Ava!
Great Post! I can’t imagine handling two kids and a post in the military. I think I would crumble under the weight of such a task. Military moms (well really all moms) deserve an extra pat on the back and maybe a little hazardous pay.
Megan- Well, I’ve read your posts- You’re battling challenges pretty head-on yourself and doing a great job of keeping your chin up. You’d do better than you think- but the hazardous duty pay is an EXCELLENT idea!
Great post, Tricia! I don’t have any idea of what’s it’s like to be in the military and this was a great way to peek inside from a woman’s perspective and so interesting to see how your perspective pre-mom and post-mom is different. I’m guessing that the difference in perspective would apply to men as well, but maybe that it would be expected more from a woman – just based on general stereotypes in the civilian workplace.
P.S. – I hope that you do make fun of all the hate(mail)ers on your blog!
Outlaw- I think your experiences probably aren’t too far off if I’m guessing. Your work-world was probably full of high-powered, tough women (like you). I’m so glad I got to watch part of your thought process as you decided if you’d stay home and to see you thriving and loving it is just awesome. I know it’s not for all women- but I sure as heck love this life.
Thanks so much for the support and for your awesome note here. 
First of all, I already love you because of that disclaimer.
NOW I’m going to go back and read the whole post.
(Formulating my hate mail, of course – ha!)
Haha! People might be more offended by the disclaimer than the post it’s disclaiming…..
Wow.
Now, having read the post, I respect the hell out of you.
Seriously.
The objectivity, the subjectivity, the honesty, the self-appraisal.
This was wonderful. All of it.
(And the disclaimer? Still kills me.)
Thank you so much for your thoughts on it- I guess I was hoping that some might understand why some people might seem a little chilly about kids and family. Some might just not care- but there could be some, like I used to be, that genuinely have no frame of reference to understand. Thanks, again-
Respect for you!
Good jod my friend, You are authentic, and that is the greatest present one can give themselves.
Angelique
Angelique- Thank you for checking into Alaska all the way from Italy from Holland! haha! Thanks so much for your kind words and support- as always!
Fabulous, Honest Post.
I am continually drawn to authentic people.
Thank you.
Great photos
)
Aw, Shucks! Thank you! I checked out your post about your cat- that’s a funny photo of him hanging on your screen door. haha!
Trish, you are remarkable. Such a talented woman, you must have been an outstanding military leader (although I confess I can’t picture it) just as you are a magnificent Super Mommy. Thank you for sharing your life and insights in such a transparent manner. It’s inspiring. Even to the tree hugging, anti-gun, flakey Moms like me.
Lisa- There’s a basic leadership truth we’re taught in the Army- Every one of us is 3 different people. We are who we are. We are who we think we are. We are who others think we are.
Ideally, you want all of those things to be the same image/perception. Often they are not.
You don’t view me as very Army-like or Commander-ish. And I sometimes have a hard time not viewing myself that way. This is no different than how I used to view the SAHMs who gave up their fast-paced careers to stay home with their kids.
In the end, it’s really hard to know who anyone really is inside- or what they’ve done. I think that’s why it’s so important to try to reserve judgment about other moms. I also struggle to do that- but that’s a whole other post to write. haha! Thank you for your sweet words- and I have no idea if I was an outstanding military leader. I wanted to be- but that’s not always good enough.
I actually look at you and think that you are an excellent example of both a formal and informal, natural leader who is inclusive and unafraid to be “feminine” in your approach. You’re very effective and it’s good to watch how you do it- 
And you are so not a flakey mom. You are an awesome mom. I’d love to be the mom you are, Lisa!
Tricia,
First I want to compliment on your writing style and voice – absolutely love it. For a topic as serious as this, if it was not for the way you sprinkled your writing with down-right honesty and humour – it would have made a very serious read.
Serious, it is, but very interesting as well due to how you wrote.
I felt like you were narrating me in person. My salutes to the women in military. The job is humongous and it takes such huge courage to be there.
We civilians have no idea what life in military is – be it for women or men and their families. My bows.
And yes, loved that decision matrix! Subscribed to your blog and sharing this post on twitter and facebook
Rashmie-
What a wonderful compliment! You are such a wonderful supporter of writers, bloggers, mothers, children, and everyone- Thank you so much. Thank you for the thoughtful comment…
I am so glad I went to the kids’ museum that day and met you there. I am so grateful to know you Tricia. I think this speaks to so many things. Not only how being a mom changes your perspective, but also how different life experiences in general change your perspective. Compassion so often comes from experience, as does perspective. On this Veterans Day, I’m thinking of you all the others who have/are/and will serve. Thanks.
Thank you so much, Becky- And I am so thankful to have met you- You are such a quality person. I am definitely better for knowing you- Thank you for reading this post and for your kind comment. Thank you, also, for your Veteran comment- It was a pleasure to serve…
You are an incredible person. I understand a little more everyday why your friends love you so much. Thank you for giving us a glimpse into you. Beautiful post.
Shelley- That couldn’t be nicer. And it couldn’t make me feel better. Thank you so much for that. Really.
Awesome post, Tricia. I am enjoying getting to know you better through your posts – you are truly remarkable. I have no military connections, but I have a deep respect for you and all those who serve.
Brooke- Thanks so much. I’ve been telling folks who give me compliments on how great I am to remember that it’s me writing about me. hahaha! Thank you so much, though- and I have so enjoyed getting to know you and the other awesome mom-bloggers. What a new world that has opened up and I am so thrilled to be a part of it. Thank you so much for your very kind thoughts.
[...] a change of pace, Tricia from Critters and Crayons guest posts on Twinisms with What My Kids Taught Me About Leading. This is an absolutely amazing post, full of honesty and compassion. Tricia discusses the Decision [...]
dude I had NO IDEA you were prior military! Wow!
Dude, I’m not! This was written by a guest while I was on vacation. She’s pretty awesome though!