A friend and reader who shall remain nameless, Kim from Washington, recently heard some sage advice and passed it on to me. I’m sharing it with you, because you deserve it.
“Sometimes you have to take your mommy hat off and put on your vagina hat.”
Yes, Wise Sage, I understand what you mean.
I usually refrain from discussing too much naughty stuff here, mostly because my family reads this blog, but I can’t resist. As a mom, I spend a lot of time feeling less than sexy. My anonymous friend (Kim in Washington) is pregnant, so she’s feeling the not-so-sexy-blues. Being pregnant does that to all of us. I’m sure I’m not the only one who assumed that once the baby (in my case babies) popped out that would change instantly.
As it turns out, Justin Timberlake does not live here.
The sexy was not automatically brought back.
When I was in my early 20′s an older man I worked with told me that sometimes in long-term relationships you have to “find passion.” (He was gay, so it wasn’t at all creepy.) At the time, I couldn’t understand what he meant. Passion was my middle name. On more than one occasion I remember thinking, “I’m the hottest chick in the room.”
That’s not so true in this room…
Or here…
And certainly not here…
Sad thing is, there are worse photos of me. Much worse. But I’ve thrown them all away because they scare me.
I’m tired every second of the day. I have to deal with other people’s bodily functions on a regular basis. Seriously, Reese was constipated today and asked me to sit with him in the bathroom and hold his hand while he pushed it out. That’s my life. It is decidedly un-sexy.
In what can only be mother nature’s great sense of humor, men seem to have little to no interest in feeling sexy. I think the longer it has been between showers, the more interested they are in getting busy. If they haven’t showered or shaved in four days and have sat around the house all day eating Doritos and watching football, you’d better watch out.
Embrace it. I’ve discovered that one thing that is always sexy to Dallas is my willingness. Even when you have formula or snot stains on your shirt or you feel fat, if you tap him on the shoulder and say, “wanna do it?” he’ll think it’s sexy.
So do it.
Take your Mommy hat off and put on your vagina hat.
Just not this one…
Omg, thank you for this. I can completely relate and I pretty much laughed my booty off. While I know it’s a Mama duty to wipe butts and get puked on, it is so tiring. Side note: I just uploaded about 300 pics off of our camera and I cannot find ONE of myself. I really need to switch hats. Maybe shower, too.
Shower first, then switch hats.
Tell me about it- This is the sad and un-horny truth.
I had a feeling most mom’s would agree.
Men are so easily turned on. I bet they would even like that hat.
Probably, they’re not very smart.
I love you! I really, really love you! By the way, thank you for my 5 minutes of fame! You amaze me with your wit and wisom in all your posts. Thank you for sharing, now I’m gonna go get sexy for my husband…aka stand between him and the TV and unzip my sweatshirt seductively.
Dancing seductively in front of the TV is the perfect way to bring sexy back.
You are pretty much ALWAYS the hottest chick in the room! And an awesome Mom….and you make a mean mexican meal
Too many of those Mexican meals and I won’t even be able to fit into a room!
I think you still is the hottest chick in a room, full of mommies like us I bet. I believe, sexy is a state of mind, but being mothers, thinking sexy probably falls way far below the things that you have to simultaneously do or plan while in the middle of a typical chaos-ridden mommylife.
Sexy is a state of mind, my minds not usually in the right state!
I’m so proud. Kim from Washington is now famous. We talked about this quote over then phone at length. She knew you’d like it. I am so glad you, and other moms get it too. Now I just have to get you and Kim to meet in person someday.
That would be awesome, maybe she’ll even out-famous you on Twinisms
not sure how you could not feel sexy in the wet sea buying those loooooooow neck lines and those heiiiiiigh hem lines ! / not to say the least of keeping the shot gun by the front door to keep the hound dog from getting to you !!!!!!!!!!! / and if need any of those old pix. i still have a few around just waiting to jump out and get you !!!! ///
SAF
Ha!
I didn’t get my groove back until my kids were older…. almost teenagers.
Hot Joe is the total opposite of the regular guy in the respect that he will kiss me and hug me when he comes home from work but THAT’S IT. He won’t leave the house or get close to me again until he is showered, shaved, deodorized and cologned. He’s such a chick. I spend my day in my jammies and take a shower and get dressed and make my eyes show up to the party at like 1:30 – as close as possible to when Hot Joe gets home so I can be a pretty-pretty-princess for him.
As for sex, he’s up for it always too, but we have found that couch sex is so insane that we would prefer it only there (sorry people who come to visit – we lay down a blanket!!), and we can’t do that unless Noah is gone because inevitably he will come downstairs because he “can’t sleep” and discover Mommy on Daddy’s lap. We need to work on bed sex.
That’s brilliant! Why waste looking pretty and being clean for the hours when the husband is not home!
Dogs are perpetually hungry and men are perpetually horny, aren’t they? By the way, when you hit the pre-menopausal hot flashes, you’ll ALWAYS be the hottest chick in the room.
Sadly I have that to look forward to in almost no time…
Take your Mommy hat off and put on your vagina hat.***
I. Love. That. Vagina. Hat!!!!!!!!!
I wish I could take credit for it!!
Ha! Hilarious. And yes, the menfolk are not as concerned with the looks as we think they are. Of course he loves it when I get al gussied up, but he’ll still take me in my yoga pants and big tshirt.
Exactly! It makes me wonder why I even bother trying to look nice sometimes.
I’m definitely understanding that “not feeling so sexy” moment as this bowling ball in my belly keeps growing. Thanks for the tip!
I think that’s two bowling balls Alma:)
You’ll bring it back…eventually!
Hehe..that is too funny !
I used to feel sexy. Then I started wearing my jeans like I had 2 muffins hanging out each side of my hips and my undies constantly showing from behind.
And I wonder why Mr Surfer is always too tired to do it…*sigh*
Do ya think we could do a variation of the vagina hat ? Maybe a different shade of blue ? Just a suggestion…
Wait, are jeans not supposed to be worn that way?
I am so far removed from sexy right now, its not even funny anymore. Hell, I’m still half the time trying to locate my bloody vagina hat!
I am beyond exhausted and sometimes dont know what day it is. Sad things is I go to work and I still dont know what day it is. Not so long ago I was convinced it was Friday. It was in actual fact a Thursday.
I know it’s a colloquialism…but “bloody vagina hat” made me throw up in my mouth a little.
This is the best blog ever. lol I can relate to it in every way except the having twins. Yet I have Two kids, one 13yr old boy and a three year old boy that I am convince that there was a mix up with someone else’s child at birth. It doesn’t get any easier. The terrible two’s have stretched into the terrible threes.Which usually leaves me feeling like I just ran a marathon. Thank you so much for posting this.
from Texas.
You’re welcome!! And thanks for saying best blog ever:) Wow!
Just so you know, I always thought 3 was way worse than 2!! Good luck!
First #wineparty THEN vagina hat… now we’re talking!
Deal!
A-men. Something about stretch marks and saggy tummy flesh just doesn’t get me in the mood. When I had that hard body of an early twenty something? The mood was ALWAYS right. Guess I’ll try to find my vagina hat. I’m sure I stashed it somewhere.
It’s probably under a pile of stinky diapers.
Wow, I forget to visit here and you’re talking about vagina’s!
What can I say, it’s hard to feel the sexyness sometimes.
And I too have noticed that men aren’t bothered with snot, puke, sweat or a high fever. Pretty easy actually.
They’re lucky aren’t they?
This is hilarious! We just had our first baby and even taking a shower is a luxury. Needless to say, Justin Timberlake wasn’t a mom
Haha, no he was not a mom.
Bridget – love this post. Made me smile as I can totally relate. I have my own set of twins (only one set mind you) and spend most of my days dealing with bodily functions as well. As you say ‘decidedly unsexy!’
Kristina
Thanks for reading. Nothing makes you feel less sexy than bodily functions.
It’s been so long since I put on my vagina hat, or even groomed my vagina, that that girl’s hat looks better than my vagina…I know, TMI TMI…it’s great advice nonetheless. I would take action this very minute if my husband wasn’t snoring on the couch downstairs…
I think his snoring is an excellent excuse. I mean really, why bother grooming for a snorer?
Constipation is hot.
p.s. That’s me in the blue dress and the vagina hat. Or not.