I’m not here. My morning and my blog have been hijacked by my so-called-friends. At our Thursday morning coffee they made me do…a craft. It was the worst morning of my life. I can’t talk about it. My “friend” Brooke now has a hot glue gun to my head and her crafty fingers on my MacBook typing out a play-by-play of the awful events.
You faithful followers of Twinisms, the Bridginites, might wonder why I am hijacking her blog. It is because of this:
“Sadly, there are a few mom’s that are entirely too crafty for me to be friends with anymore.” October 22, 2011
“It almost looks like I’m doing crafts. Don’t get excited it’s an Audrey and Daphne thing only.” Nov. 12 2011
“…now I get to stalk my creative friends’ Facebook pages for ideas…” December 3, 2011
“8. To take up crafting – Yuck. Don’t be gross.” (Top Ten New Years Resolutions I Will Never Keep) January 2, 2012
“Or, if you’re like my friend Brooke you can show off your craft skills and do something fancy. I like her despite her crafting ability.” January 5 2012
And the big blog about it all, I Hate Crafts October 19, 2011
Yes, Bridget is a rabid anti-crafti. She is great at telling you how and when to drink boxed wine, making lists that are funny and insightful, telling us how much she loves/hates the stupid dog, that people are stupid, and how much mean people, snow, and poop suck. However the utilitarian John Stewart Mill said, “…the object is to call forth the greatest possible quantity of intellectual power.”
That’s why we are adding crafting to her repertoire…against her will.
Here is a 10 step process to get Bridget (and any anti-crafti in your life) to use a bit of their teeny tiny crafting DNA and ignite the right side of their brain to produce ultimate creative power.
Step 1: Invite the anti-crafti weekly to your home for coffee. Chat, laugh, have a great time and do not mention anything about HER doing crafts. This is the time to build up a relationship of trust which you are going to crush later. With Bridget it was a 2 month build up.
Step 2: Pick an easy craft that can be completed in less than 3 hours, start to finish. The longer a craft takes the quicker the anti-crafti will abandon it. I know Bridget has held a crafting project in her hands and never completed it. I’m pretty sure she either threw the whole thing out or made an illegal return to Jo-Ann Fabrics. These name blocks were the easiest project I could find.
Step 3: Assemble all items needed for your project. Nothing de-rails a craft faster than missing something, anything. It could be a button, a wrong brush, or too few hot glue sticks. If you want your anti-crafti to repent of their sinful way, start with buying a glue gun and lots of glue sticks. Trust me. I’ve glued fabric on my walls, fixed picture frames, made hair bows, you name it. If you have 5-year-old twins that break everything, a hot glue gun is a must have. (See: Broken Christmas December 15, 2011)
Step 4: When your anti-crafti shows up on evil craft day, let her get a cup of coffee and a snack before you break the news. All you Bridginites might be thinking wouldn’t wine from a box be better? No. As you can see from the picture above we are using power tools. One sure way to move the anti-crafti from hating crafts to loathing it entirely is to lose a body part while crafting.
Step 5: It is time to break the news to the anti-crafti. Yes, she is making a craft and no, she may not leave or dial 911. The easiest way to get her moving is to baby step it. I gave Bridget a ruler and had her make marks on the wood 2.5 inches apart. We are at a 1st grade level. Easy, even for someone with an MA in Theatre.
Step 6: Use something that isn’t “crafty” or “girlie”, in our case power tools. A Black & Decker 7550 single speed jig saw makes a person feel strong and tough. It is the opposite of granny knitting a crappy blanket full of mini holes. Bridget said it was such good work out that she could have skipped the gym this morning. (Notice her outfit.) When people she likes comes over to the house she can point to the blocks and say, “I cut that” and those same people will look at her with respect. If she doesn’t like them then she can say, “I cut that.” with her eyes narrowed and they will be afraid. Very afraid. Win-Win.
Step 7: Have everyone around the anti-crafti enjoying themselves as they work. It’s kind of like an intervention. Everyone else needs to be sober (i.e. good at crafts) and gang up on the anti-crafti. Peer pressure is wonderful tool, especially if the anti-crafti has stated that if everyone jumped off a cliff, she would to.
Step 8: Have a wow factor. In this project it is the Cricut. (Pronounced cricket because Bridget refuses to say properly. It’s a small battle so I let her win that one.) Not only is technology involved here but since we use vinyl with adhesive backing, no hot glue. Hot glue won’t take a body part off, but it hurts when it transforms on your skin from liquid to solid in mere seconds. This is not photo-shopped, I think she’s flipping off the Cricut.
Step 9: Make the anti-crafti do everything in the project. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT do anything for them. At the end of the day, (or 3 hours) they need to be able to say, “I made that.” The crafter takes unorganized matter and forms it into a mass, thus producing a God-like feeling. In other words, even if it does look like crap, they made it into better crap. Pride in crafting is super important.
Step 10: Enjoy the finished product and lay on the praise thick. (In this particular case-really thick.) If they get a little buzz off of the project, chances are they will be back for more. I would recommend hiring strangers or bribing their offspring to ooh and ahh over the finished craft. If you are a cheapskate, take a picture of the finished project with you and the reformed anti-crafti and put it on Facebook. Blackmail your FB friends to making loads of positive comments (feel free to threaten them with your backlog of ugly photos).
I forgot to ask for ransom and didn’t ask Bridget to pay for the supplies, so I lost a little in the initial craftnapping. However like any drug dealer will tell you, once I get Bridget hooked, it will pay off big in the end!
Suck it, crafters!