I did it. I jumped on the bandwagon last week and saw The Hunger Games. I read the first book and intend to read the others. They don’t suck. Seriously, it’s more Harry Potter than Twilight. I was initially annoyed with the Harry Potter phenomenon too. Then I read the book and was hooked. The Hunger Games is the same situation.
Sidenote: Don’t lecture me Twilighters, I recently agreed to read the first Twilight book in exchange for Christin reading the first Harry Potter. In the end I’m sure I’ll still think Twilight bites and Christin will think Harry Potter is magic. (See what I did there?)
I read an article that said part of the intent with The Hunger Games is to comment on our obsession with reality TV. I would go a step further and say it speaks to our overall obsession with celebrity and near-impossible expectations of power and beauty. I could write ten pages on that topic, but this isn’t that sort of blog.
Instead, let’s pick our top 24 Tributes from the world of reality TV. I’m not saying I want to see any of these people dead – but only one gets to survive – so take it as you choose. I don’t make the rules.
1. Kim Kardashian, Keeping Up With The Kardashians – She’d last longer than you think. That ass is like a camel, I bet she could store a week’s worth of water in it.
2. Snooki, Jersey Shore – I’d like to think Snooki would get killed off first, probably in a fight for food.
3. Jeff Lewis, Interior Therapy With Jeff Lewis – Jeff would last a few days because he could easily kill another tribute with a few spiteful words.
4. Tim Gunn, Project Runway – Tim could be a crafty addition to the games. He would come on all strong and supportive, trick other tributes into trusting him and then strike. Plus he’s probably good with a needle and thread so he could shore up his own injuries quickly.
5. Bethenny Frankel, Bethenny Ever After – She’s a mean girl. She’ll do whatever it takes to win. My guess is her vanity would wind up being both her greatest asset and tragic flaw.
6. NeNe Leakes, The Real Housewives Of Atlanta – I love some NeNe Leakes, but she’d be dead in five minutes because she could never be quiet long enough to hide.
7. Carson Kressley, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy – I bet he’s fast like a fox. Plus, I think I read somewhere that he’s an equestrian. In my Arena there are wild horses. Also, he’d have the best outfit at the Tribute Parade which would earn him loads of sponsors.
8. Jo Frost, SuperNanny – Anyone who can get wild kids to behave could also tame animals. She’ll need that, you know because of the wild horses and all.
9. Lauren Conrad, The Hills – I always thought Lauren was like the girlfriend on Seinfeld who only looked pretty in the diner. Lauren is pretty sometimes and scary other times. Camouflage skills are key in the Games.
10. Puck, The Real World: San Francisco – Every reality show needs a loose cannon who just might win the whole thing.
11. Sig Hansen, The Deadliest Catch – If you can steer a ship in rough waters, search for crab, and chain smoke all at the same time you can win almost any contest.
12. Kat VonD, Miami Ink – Surviving that loser Jesse James had to have made her a tough person. Plus, if the Arena was in the ghetto she’d blend right in with all the graffiti.
13. Caroline Manzo, The Real Housewives Of New Jersey – See next tribute.
14. Teresa Giudice, The Real Housewives Of New Jersey – She and Caroline would kill each other right off the block. Two down, 22 to go.
15. Kate Gosselin, Kate Plus Eight – I hate her. But trust me, mother’s of multiples can throw down.
16. Simon Cowell, American Idol – He wouldn’t participate. He’d never even step off his block. I think Sig Hansen would kill him just to prove a point.
17. Flavor Flav, Flavor Of Love – He slept with Brigitte Nielsen who slept with Sly Stallone. It’s like the Kevin Bacon game, only with power by association instead of fame.
18. Tila Tequila, A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila – All she’d have to do is start sleeping with the other contestants and she could start a plague that would bring down everyone except the gay men.
19. Duane “Dog” Chapman, Dog The Bounty Hunter – Another tribute who seems tough, but wouldn’t survive the Cornucopia. He’s strong, but not cunning so he’d go for it and get slashed by someone faster and smarter immediately.
20. Ty Pennington, Extreme Makeover Home Edition – He can make stuff. Stuff to kill people with.
21. Dr. Robert Rey, Dr. 90210 – Easily the most annoying man on the planet. I’d pick him just to see him try his Taekwondo skills on Puck.
22. Jillian Michaels, The Biggest Loser – She’s strong and she can probably run fast, so she’d make it a while. Plus she’d kill anyone who was overweight right off the bat.
23. Ozzy Osbourne, The Osbournes – How awesome would it be to watch him bumble around the forest yelling, “SHARON!”
24. Kathy Griffin, My Life On The D-List – She’d form an alliance with all the gays. That would keep her alive for a bit, but eventually they’d get tired of her nonsense and leave her in the ditch for a prettier female.
My money’s on Tim Gunn. He could be sly when he needed to be and resourceful enough not to starve or get picked off early on. Also, he’s the only person on this list I would want to see come out alive.
Who do you think would win or who else should be on the list?
Bwahahahahhaa!!! This will make a very interesting Monday Listicles prompt! Hahaha! Except you have to list 24! And also, their will be a slew of kill word in every post I bet. Fun list B! I was chuckling and then I guffawed at your number 13 and 14 and then spiralled from there.
The Hunger Games trilogy was the first set of books I read this year which was triggered by Jo’s review.
http://thehappylogophile.wordpress.com/2011/11/23/book-review-the-hunger-games/
P.S. I both read all 7 HP books + The Tales of Beedle the Bard and the Twilight Saga all 3 books + Midnight Sun which didn’t see the light of the printing press.
To address the literary point first: HP wins on all fronts, Hunger Games I’m still on the fence as I’m only half way through book 2, the Twilight series I have a love/hate relationship with cause I like them but I’m constantly rolling my eyes at the immaturity/ridiculousness of the characters, although that could be because I’m no longer a teenage girl. The only one I find unforgivable is Edward because he died as a teenager but is at least a hundred years old so should have gotten over the angst by now.
Also, I suggest you read the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris (basis of True Blood) it’s pretty good, the characters are more mature, can be funny but you need to be able to disregard all the rampart “southern hokiness” going on.
Alas, I don’t recognize half of your contestants as am out of the loop of american reality tv, though I too would like to see Dr Rey try and survive on his mad taekwondo skillz.
that was supposed to be RAMPANT southern hokiness
Awesome list, Bridget! How do you come up with these stuff?!
Now I wanna see the Hunger Games..
My money’s on Simon Cowell and Sig Hansen. They would for an alligence and take out all the others. Simon would win overall because his caustic remarks would drive the others to suicide and he would have the best sponsers because he can be charming and is very good looking. As for the rest, the only one who remotely stands a chance of making the finals would be Tim Gunn….because he and Simon are so much alike. Simon would kill him off in the end. Sorry, but MOST mothers of multiples would be tough to beat, but Kate???? Kate, Kim and Snooki would be vying for the goods in the cornucopia at the beginning and be killed off.
FUCK ME you dug deep. Dude, the research you had to do. Puck? PUCK? I guess if I had to choose, it would be Ty because he can build things and I bet he can kill things, at least with a staple gun and/or a 4 x 4. I would watch the HELL out of those games. Seriously, Kim Kardashian? YES. Nene? Absolutely? Bethenny would be an utter failure. She could obviously go without eating but she would end up an emotional wreck curled up in a ball and never leave the platform.
Excellent.
OMG this is awesome! You are brilliant! I would totally watch something like this too….
Hahaha!! I’ve got my support with Tim. No one will see his craftiness coming. For the win!! lol
I had already decided to send my major Capitol sponsorship to Tim Gunn before you put your money on him.
I’d send him all kinds of cute little supplies on beeping umbrellas like Katniss got. (p.s. Those were kind of loud and I worried they’d give away Peeta’s hiding spot!)
Anyway, I love Tim Gunn.
Hard.
(Well, not hard. You know what I mean. I meant a lot. But like…well…anyway.)
I hate Snooki.
And Twilight bites.
Plus Harry Potter IS magic.
(And you are awesome.)
Um….not that I PERSONALLY know this but I think they like to be called “Twihards”
also…..
TEAM EDWARD FOR LIFE BITCHES!
I agree. And I might love you!
This is a tough one. I think I will go with Jullian. She is physically and mentally strong. Plus she could figure out how to eat off the land. (Watch out for those posionious berries!) This is one of my favorite post you have done so far. I read the Hunger Games but didn’t want to see on the big screen kids killing kids. If these reality stars were in the arena, I would have been there opening night.
Chad says where the heck is Bear Grylls? He would go balistic on everybody and eat them for food if nessicary.
Lol! This cracked me up. I have no idea who I think would win but I like your line-up.
I just got started on the series too. Just book one and part of book two so far but I like them enough to keep going. I also like Harry Potter and Twilight too (HP WAY more than Twilight though)
I am AMAZED you know this many reality TV shows. My vote is for Ozzy, because he’s like Keith Richards, preserved by heroine. How boring would the world be without drug addicts?
Oh this is awesome and the fact that you put PUCK in there totally rocks!!!! I would have to say though I think Jillian would kick everyone’s butt!
Is it sad that I knew EVERY.SINGLE.PERSON. you put on here. No google necessary whatsoever. Tim Gunn totally could win. He’s slim and strikes me a stealth, the way he just pops into the work room. Those designers never know he’s coming.
Awesome, just awesome!
Can’t believe you got to Puck. That may be the last reality tv show I watched religiously. He forced me away from TV. Team Gale or Peeta?
OMG! This was great! I have no idea who I would pick to win, but I know that I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near that arena. I only wish we could really set this up… I would love to see these celebs fight it out!
OK, no idea what Hunger games are or who half of these people are. But you are funny. And since tonight I know that Elisabeth Shue is now CSI so I will send her to clean up the mess.
The people I’d be saddest to see no longer kicking are Kat Von D (because, honestly, all she needs is some good counseling), Simon (he’s pretty benign, though you’re right, he wouldn’t participate), and Jillian because, hey, I like her. The rest I would gladly pick off myself.
I would pay to watch all of these people fight each other. Not sure if I can pick who I want to win though.
I am pretty sure some women from the last season of the Bachelor could throw down! I’m thinking Courtney.
And everyone better stop hating on Twilight. Seriously. Be nice. How can you make fun of it when you read (and like) a book about little kids and magic?
Wow…this is a very impressive list. And when I say impressive, I mean impressive like a train wreck. You just wouldn’t be able to look away when the games started.
My favorite…Ozzy Osbourne!!
Seriously. Where do you find the time to watch all this reality TV AND blog AND feed 4 mouths ??!!!!! You astound me…
I’d like Supernanny to win, because she’s the only one who actually talks any sense!
I don’t have a television and have never seen a single one of these shows. . .but I found this post completely interesting anyway. It was very much like reading about fictional characters, or stranger-than-fictional characters. Haven’t read The Hunger Games yet, but my children are slowly wearing me down!
Hahahaha. This is awesome. My vote is with Jillian.
wow.
i wasn’t really interested in the HG until i saw the previews and then i was like, “oh looks interesting maybe i should read it.” but i’m still reading something else so maybe i should go see it. this post? REALLY makes me wanna go see it- especially if it was based like this with all these reality TV stars. 
I hope Lauren Conrad is the first to die. I’m mean, but this is just pretend, right?
I haven’t see Hunger Games but I read the book. I don’t like any of these, because of lack of toughness or just not liking them.
I’d pick Flava Flav. He did time for assault, was in prison, there’s something there.
as much as I hate Kate Gosselin, I get she’d last a long time. Evil is evil.
Hahahahahaha! Hysterical. I would pay so much money to see this play out. I would mortgage my house, might even sell one of my kids (I have spares, you know). This post is totally making my April Favorites list, for sure!
I actually don’t mind Jillian and she’s tough, so she would be my pick. If it’s a personality issue, you could always put Bob Harper in her place. He has the same physical/health attributes, can be mean, but is overall a ‘nicer’ person…which could help in alliances. I agree with the commenter above who mentioned Bear Grylls – he would kill the competition…no pun intended.
Ha! This is great! I agree about Tim. My money’s on him. Or Carson. Or possibly Ty.
I never saw or read The Hunger Games and I don’t watch reality TV so I half don’t know what you’re talking about, but I still found this pretty amusing!
Hahaha this is a great list!! I’ll go with Puck (i see others already picked Jillian, who would be my next choice). A guy like that seems like he can survive a lot…
oh hell yes. tim gunn would take them all down and then make everybody tea and scones.
I’m totally rooting for Tim Gunn. He’d distract everyone by saying, “Let’s caucus”, then strike his killing blow.
Love this idea! My money’s on Jillian, she’s tough and wily.
hahaha. fantastic concept. let me know when you get it off the ground.
I agree completely about THG being better – much – than Twilight. Twilight’s movies were actually better than the books. Well, at least the first one. I never got past that. I do intend to read the other Hunger Games books.
Love the Reality Round Up!
Snooki would win. She’s apparently immune to thousands of diseases and can take a punch.
Totally Tim Gunn. With class and style.
This IS AWESOME!! I love it. And I totally agree with you about Bethenny—she is the ULTIMATE mean girl and Simon Cowell—excellent. But my favorite was Kate Gosselin–Moms of multiples can throw down-ha! Perfect, Erin
Haha. I don’t know 1/2 these people but your description of them was funny
Visiting from Yeah Write..
This is a seriously thorough list. I’m impressed! My money is on Tim Gunn too. And he would be the best dressed killer there. That sounds horrible, doesn’t it?
My money’s on Jillian Michaels. Mainly because she scares me.
[...] for our deprived little lives. He was cute. Really cute. He looked a little like Peeta from The Hunger Games – only hotter. He was also a very nice and attentive [...]