I did it. I jumped on the bandwagon last week and saw The Hunger Games. I read the first book and intend to read the others. They don’t suck. Seriously, it’s more Harry Potter than Twilight. I was initially annoyed with the Harry Potter phenomenon too. Then I read the book and was hooked. The Hunger Games is the same situation.
Sidenote: Don’t lecture me Twilighters, I recently agreed to read the first Twilight book in exchange for Christin reading the first Harry Potter. In the end I’m sure I’ll still think Twilight bites and Christin will think Harry Potter is magic. (See what I did there?)
I read an article that said part of the intent with The Hunger Games is to comment on our obsession with reality TV. I would go a step further and say it speaks to our overall obsession with celebrity and near-impossible expectations of power and beauty. I could write ten pages on that topic, but this isn’t that sort of blog.
Instead, let’s pick our top 24 Tributes from the world of reality TV. I’m not saying I want to see any of these people dead – but only one gets to survive – so take it as you choose. I don’t make the rules.
1. Kim Kardashian, Keeping Up With The Kardashians – She’d last longer than you think. That ass is like a camel, I bet she could store a week’s worth of water in it.
2. Snooki, Jersey Shore – I’d like to think Snooki would get killed off first, probably in a fight for food.
3. Jeff Lewis, Interior Therapy With Jeff Lewis – Jeff would last a few days because he could easily kill another tribute with a few spiteful words.
4. Tim Gunn, Project Runway – Tim could be a crafty addition to the games. He would come on all strong and supportive, trick other tributes into trusting him and then strike. Plus he’s probably good with a needle and thread so he could shore up his own injuries quickly.
5. Bethenny Frankel, Bethenny Ever After – She’s a mean girl. She’ll do whatever it takes to win. My guess is her vanity would wind up being both her greatest asset and tragic flaw.
6. NeNe Leakes, The Real Housewives Of Atlanta – I love some NeNe Leakes, but she’d be dead in five minutes because she could never be quiet long enough to hide.
7. Carson Kressley, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy – I bet he’s fast like a fox. Plus, I think I read somewhere that he’s an equestrian. In my Arena there are wild horses. Also, he’d have the best outfit at the Tribute Parade which would earn him loads of sponsors.
8. Jo Frost, SuperNanny – Anyone who can get wild kids to behave could also tame animals. She’ll need that, you know because of the wild horses and all.
9. Lauren Conrad, The Hills – I always thought Lauren was like the girlfriend on Seinfeld who only looked pretty in the diner. Lauren is pretty sometimes and scary other times. Camouflage skills are key in the Games.
10. Puck, The Real World: San Francisco – Every reality show needs a loose cannon who just might win the whole thing.
11. Sig Hansen, The Deadliest Catch – If you can steer a ship in rough waters, search for crab, and chain smoke all at the same time you can win almost any contest.
12. Kat VonD, Miami Ink – Surviving that loser Jesse James had to have made her a tough person. Plus, if the Arena was in the ghetto she’d blend right in with all the graffiti.
13. Caroline Manzo, The Real Housewives Of New Jersey – See next tribute.
14. Teresa Giudice, The Real Housewives Of New Jersey – She and Caroline would kill each other right off the block. Two down, 22 to go.
15. Kate Gosselin, Kate Plus Eight – I hate her. But trust me, mother’s of multiples can throw down.
16. Simon Cowell, American Idol – He wouldn’t participate. He’d never even step off his block. I think Sig Hansen would kill him just to prove a point.
17. Flavor Flav, Flavor Of Love – He slept with Brigitte Nielsen who slept with Sly Stallone. It’s like the Kevin Bacon game, only with power by association instead of fame.
18. Tila Tequila, A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila – All she’d have to do is start sleeping with the other contestants and she could start a plague that would bring down everyone except the gay men.
19. Duane “Dog” Chapman, Dog The Bounty Hunter – Another tribute who seems tough, but wouldn’t survive the Cornucopia. He’s strong, but not cunning so he’d go for it and get slashed by someone faster and smarter immediately.
20. Ty Pennington, Extreme Makeover Home Edition – He can make stuff. Stuff to kill people with.
21. Dr. Robert Rey, Dr. 90210 – Easily the most annoying man on the planet. I’d pick him just to see him try his Taekwondo skills on Puck.
22. Jillian Michaels, The Biggest Loser – She’s strong and she can probably run fast, so she’d make it a while. Plus she’d kill anyone who was overweight right off the bat.
23. Ozzy Osbourne, The Osbournes – How awesome would it be to watch him bumble around the forest yelling, “SHARON!”
24. Kathy Griffin, My Life On The D-List – She’d form an alliance with all the gays. That would keep her alive for a bit, but eventually they’d get tired of her nonsense and leave her in the ditch for a prettier female.
My money’s on Tim Gunn. He could be sly when he needed to be and resourceful enough not to starve or get picked off early on. Also, he’s the only person on this list I would want to see come out alive.
Who do you think would win or who else should be on the list?