We had our first casualty this week. The Soldier, a young man named SPC Jeffrey Lee White Jr. died on April 3.
I did not know this Soldier. He was part of another Battalion within our Brigade. The Brigade has several thousand Soldiers and each Battalion has several hundred, I don’t personally know them all.
Even though I don’t know him or his family, his death makes me sad. And scared. When I heard we had a casualty I cried. I went to my room, closed the door, and sobbed for a long time. I cried for him and for his family, for his fellow Soldiers, and for the others injured in the incident.
But mostly, I cried for me. Because my husband is over there too and all of the sudden the possibility that it could have been him became all too real. I always knew it was a possibility. I have always known that some of our soldiers wouldn’t come home. But until that moment, I don’t think I’d allowed myself to think about how it would feel.
That’s the thing about a deployment. Some days it’s not that bad. I just live my life. I laugh with the kids, chat with friends, and go about my day. On the good days I might talk to him or chat online. It’s not completely unbearable.
There are days when I’m angry at him for being gone. When I’m exhausted and stressed out. When the kids are at each other or at me. Days when everything goes wrong and I’m almost certain it’s the Army’s fault for taking my husband away for so long.
Other days I’m sad because I miss him. I miss him a lot. Everything about him, even the annoying stuff. Or the kids miss him. Reese woke up the other morning and the first thing he said was, “did Daddy send a new picture?” It broke my heart to think he was probably dreaming about Daddy, missing him even while he slept.
That’s just how it is. Good days. Bad days. Terrible days. Waiting for him to come back.
Army wives aren’t any more brave than anyone else. We just understand it. We know our husband’s joined the Army knowing they would never get rich or famous. They knew they would have to leave us for long stretches of time. They knew they might die.
And sometimes they do.
This post is linked to Yeah Write.
Wow…I imagine his death hit so close to home for you. While I am not a military wife my husband and I have lived apart for the past 18 months in order to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table he had to go where there was a job. I know the lonely, angry, missing him feeling all too well. i cannot imagine that coupled with the possibility of injury or death. I thank your family and all the others who sacrifice daily for your spouse’s to fight for our country. ((hugs))
My heart goes out to you Bridget.
I still think you are brave, brave is not never crying. Brave is not always strong. Brave is not never being disappointed. Brave is dealing with what life dealt you the best way you can. And that is what you do.
My prayers are with you.
xoxo
I’m so sorry hon. Tomorrow, not only do I run for the crew of Windy25, but also for Jeffrey.
Bridget- I’m so sorry to hear about the Soldier in your husband’s unit. Your post is perfect- it doesn’t have a huge word count but it packs a lot of meaning and truth. I hope and think of your husband’s safe return and for that of his whole unit.
Well said my friend!
Sending love to Private White’s family .
Hello I follow u for many reasons… That being said your words rang true for me today! My husband is also deployed and 3 men lost thier lives this week. I can’t put into word how devistated I feel for the. Bridgade, thier family and friends, and myself! This is a feeling I have never felt before thank goodness! Like u said it is always in the back of our minds but when we are faced with the reality of where they are and what they are doing it is a punch in the gut! God speed to all the soldiers bring them home safely to our loving arms!!!
I am new to your blog and as I saw on my iPhone that there was a new post I was surprised by the seriousness of today’s post … I am so sorry, it must be really hard and though like you said, you felt for him and his family, even not knowing him … I tell you know … even though I do not know you or your family … I am sorry and I feel for you … hope your fears and sadness are replaced with some sense of serenity and happiness today and all of your days … and hope that soon your family and families of so many others will be reunited again.
Just sending you all my love, my friend. All my love xxx
When it is finally revealed that you guys are The Incredibles come see me for costumes.
Until then: Kiss Dahling, I’m sending you kisses.
Sorry. I can’t even imagine. Here’s to hoping everyone gets through this holiday weekend as best as they can.
Oh Friend. Since I’ve met you and then Dallas left, I want you to know that I’ve been worrying about him and thanking him every day with you. All the way over here in California. Every single day I head over here to look at your Deployment photos and how can I not think of him and you and the twinkies and the teens and wonder, “How do they do it? Bless them.” I count down with you and I will cry when he returns and I tear up at the pictures of the babies and even stupid dog wanting Daddy to come home.
Love Love Love.
That is sad news and too close to home for you – I can understand how it makes you anxious. We are all connected in some way or other, through tragedy and triumph. It’s a comfort to know there are good people who honestly care.
My love and prayers are always around you, John, Taryn, Reese, Jackson, & Dallas… And I do pray each day for all our troops and thier families…
And I will be praying esp. for the great loss of the White family. May God be thier comfort,
Love grandma
Bridget I can’t even find the words. I read this earlier and couldn’t find them then either. My dad was military, I remember seeing my mom cry only once in all those years.I don’t think I appreciated back then the magnitude of life as a military family. Thank you. Thank you for the sacrifices that your family makes to ensure the rest of us are safe and free. There are just no other words to say but Thank You.
oh wow I am so sorry for this soldier’s family and will be keeping them in my prayers. I can’t even imagine how hard it is. A long time family friend of mine’s husband has been deployed three times(he’s in the reserves.) and each time I cried for my friend. I am thinking of all of you today. Know you are loved from all over the country!
Praying for you and yours.
Oh my friend! Hugs to you. I am so sorry for Dallas’s brigade loss.
I am moved to tears at the loss of this soldier and for his family. I fear the day my son will get deployed. He is a medic stationed at Ft. Carson, Co. Keep strong, Bridget, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Stay strong, Bridget. I know those are just words, but I do mean them, and I do hope they help, somewhat.
Aww, I’m so sorry. Both for that family’s loss and for your fear. How terrible.
Ooph. Felt this one in the gut. I like that you didn’t make this overly emotional, but kept it real—this is how it feels, this is what is looks like, these are the things that bring you to your knees. There is a simple truth here and a beautiful strength. love this piece, Erin
This is just sad. Sending my prayers to SPC Jeffrey Lee White Jr.’s family. May he rest in peace.
You are very brave B. Sometimes when I think of you and your family, I send a prayer above for Dallas’ safe and fast return.
Every member of a military family is a piece in a puzzle that, when put together, spells out bravery.
I am sorry for the loss in your Brigade. I wish you all moments of peace in the fray.
oh no. i’m so sorry.
Living where I do, with mandatory draft and two sons in the army ( http://www.newdaynewlesson.com/believe-in-your-kids/ ) I can definitely relate to this post.
My heart goes out to the soldier’s family.
This is a powerful post, and very well written. I hope you have many more good days than bad and that your husband comes home safely soon.
We are Air Force, and this picture you’ve painted of deployment is so spot on. I have done my share of sobbing for other people’s husbands and sons over the past several years, each time thankful it’s not husband, as I’m reminded it could be. I’m so sorry for the loss of Jeremy’s life. Thinking of and praying for your husband and family.
I am so sorry that this death hit so close to home for you, and brings all the fears for your husband to the forefront. I am wishing you strength as you continue your already heroic journey.
oh no. so sad. you have done his life a token of respect. even if you didn’t know him personally. You know the heart of the ones grieving him, and that’s what counts.
I can’t imagine the feelings you deal with. I truly cannot. Very well written.
I totally understand how you are feeling! I remember the first casualty we had. It was my husbands first deployment, I was 18 years old and a very new Army wife. The Casualty happened to be a friend from back home so it hit especially close to home. I have to say with each casualty we’ve had it hits close to home and it’s extremely hard. It always set me back a few days. Being an Army wife, other Army wives are your ‘sisters’ It truely is like a big family, and you feel each loss deeply!
I can’t imagine. You sound like you are brave, so much braver than I could ever be. Here’s to lots of good days, very few bad days, and no more terrible days, until he comes home.
I’m so sorry! I won’t say I understand because I don’t. But we do have a son in the Army and I know too well the awareness, the fear, the need to live your life anyway. Thank you for making these sacrifices for the rest of us. REALLY … thank you!
Very honest words. Such a sacrifice. Bless your family… and all our military men and women and their families who are also sacrificing so much.
You are strong beyond words. I can’t imagine the worry and fear and loneliness on those bad days. The loss of a serviceman is always sad news but my heart really aches for you. Many people will be praying for your husband and family. Thank you for sharing this post!
I’m so sorry. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t know him personally…it always hits hard and close to home. From one military wife to another, my thoughts are with you and your husband for his safe return.
wishing you peace and hugs today -s
As always I’m thinking of you and your family. Sweet Reese and his dreams make my heart ache too.
Any moment or event that forces us to realize we are mortal is scary but this one just feels so much worse. I’m not an Army wife and I honestly have never been able to comprehend how you all do it. I admire your strength.
Just because you know those things are part of his job, doesn’t make them any easier. Hoping for your husband’s safe and soon return.
I’m so sorry for the loss, for all the pain, and those feelings of missing Bridget.
The loss of any soldier is something to mourn, regardless of how well you know him.
Just found you through yeah write, but just wanted to say how appreciative I am of your husband and for you and your family for going through what you do every day.
I will pray for his safety.
I think it’s up for debate whether y’all are braver than civillian wives but you certainly make sacrifices the average joe doesn’t make. And I appreciate it.
This post brought to mind that I learned on FB that one of my friends’s teenaged daughter died this week. I’m sure there is an explanation but I am not to privy to it. All I know is that she’s just gone. Plucked out of the world for no apparent reason. Like you, I didn’t know her I’d never met her I only distantly know her mom. But it shook me to the core. Because it opened up the possiblity that it could have been me.
I’m so sorry. Truly. My heart goes out to you.
I hope your husband returns home soon safe and sound.
[...] Rainey, whose husband Dallas is soldier currently stationed in Afghanistan, lets us know “how deployment feels.” We had our first casualty this week. . . . I did not know this Soldier. He was part of another [...]