You can’t and neither can anyone else. There is a meme going around with this picture:
Yes, it does make me feel old. It also makes me feel old when I refer to a flash drive as a memory stick and Taryn doesn’t know what I’m talking about. Or when I ask John what they call P. Diddy these days and he says, “retired.”
I’m hyper-sensitive about my age. I think it comes with marrying a younger man. It also comes with marrying a younger man who teases me about being old and occasionally calls me ‘grandma.’ It doesn’t help that reality TV stars lie about their age. Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Hotlanta claims to be 34. I’m 37. Doesn’t she look older than me?
(Say yes.)
Also, a few of my Alaska friends are younger than I am. Both Christin and Sara are only 29. Seriously, how can I be friends with people who were born in 1983? On St. Patrick’s Day Christin made a joke that I was 52. Her brother (who is 26) looked at me dead serious and said, “Are you really 52?”
No. Jerkface.
While Dallas was home he and I went out with Christin and Dan. I referred to myself as a SMILF as in Soccer Mom I’d Like To… (thanks Sisterhood Of The Sensible Moms). Dan said, “what does the S stand for…Senior?”
I punched him in the gut. I felt bad the next day, but he totally deserved it. That night I decided people in Christin’s family are just dumb and have a mental block when it comes to judging another person’s age.
It had nothing to do with the permanent wrinkles on my forehead. Or the crows feet around my eyes. Or the two 15-year-olds who keep calling me Mom.
Then yesterday my theory got blown to bits.
I took Sara (did I mention she’s 29?) to the hospital for her planned c-section. As the nurse was checking her in she asked who would be taking her home and helping her out once she got there. I said, “I will.”
The nurse looked right at me and said, “And who are you, mom…sister…”
HER MOM?!
Did you just ask if I was her mom? I’m 37, she’s 29? WTF?
I’M NOT THAT OLD.
37 is not old. It’s not. I have to go now, Murder She Wrote is on TNT.
