Stasha at Northwest Mommy is asking us to bring it home this week with a list that describes our home. I assume she doesn’t mean brown, with blue trim, decaying flower beds, and a several piles of dog and/or moose poop. But I might be wrong, we’ll see how everyone else’s lists shake out.
My House In Ten Easy Steps
10. Stinky - My friends say they don’t notice the smell, but I think they’re lying. As soon as you open the door to our place you get hit with the unique mix of teenage boy feet, teenage girl perfume (Teen Spirit anyone?) 5-year-old boy pee, and wet dog.
9. Messy - I sat down to eat lunch yesterday and Reese’s socks were on the kitchen table. There are squinkies and matchbox cars under every piece of furniture. The stupid dog insists on pawing her food out of her bowl before she eats it, so that winds up everywhere too. I could move all the furniture and clean it, but let’s try to be honest here – that’s never going to happen. This is the drawer where we keep extra flatware. And tape. And DVD’s. And cords. And broken electronics. As my Dad would say, “It’s not junk. It’s treasures!”
8. Loud - The noise here is constant Jackson is either jumping on the couch yelling “Chicken” “Awkward” or “BUTTCHEEKS,” Reese is crying because nobody likes him, or Taryn and John are fighting over who has more friends. I should buy ear plugs, but that would cut into my boxed wine budget.
7. Furry - It doesn’t matter if it is summer or winter when you live with this beast.
6. Toothy - The other day (which may have been 6 months ago, I can’t recall) Christin noted that we take mouthwash seriously in our house. She’s right. There is different mouthwash for little kids, big kids, and adults. Different toothpaste, piles of floss, and a multitude of gadgets and paraphernalia related to braces. Despite that the I’m fairly certain we all go to bed/school/out in public at least twice a week without brushing our teeth.
5. In Progress - When we bought this house we had lots of great ideas. Reface the cabinets, change out the trim, replace the carpet in the basement, remodel the upstairs bathroom. It took three weeks of working on the house to squelch all of those ideas. None of the baseboards match. There’s a giant spot in the basement where I fell down the stairs carrying a can of paint – two summers ago. The bathroom still looks like it was decorated in 1982. Worst of all, the cabinet I keep my box of wine in now closes on its own. Perhaps that’s a sign.
4. Loud - Did I say this already? Right, I have four kids, so the TV is always on – even when no one is watching, which makes me crazy. FYI Jackson, this doesn’t count:
3. Broken - I always say, if you want something broken – come to my house. Reese and Jackson break almost everything they touch. They don’t do it on purpose, they’re just boys – they’re hard on stuff. John isn’t much better, everything he comes in contact with either breaks or disappears instantly. It’s their superpower.
2. Dangerous - Not deadly dangerous, but slightly dangerous. You don’t have to wear a bullet proof vest, but some protective head gear wouldn’t be a bad idea. If you like I can have Jackson make you some like he made Dallas while he was home.
1. Fun - If you enjoy inappropriate humor from kids, bodily function jokes, and laughing until you cry then come on over. Just don’t be surprised if Jackson asks you to pull his finger.