Those of you who read regularly know that this past weekend my life as a mother of two sets of twins, Army wife, and blogger were featured in the Anchorage Daily News. It was an incredibly flattering article that was well received in our community. The reporter warned me before she wrote it not to read the comments on ADN.com because people are mean.
I read them anyway. She was right, people are mean. Not all of them, but a couple. I can handle mean. What I can’t handle is people spewing ridiculous misguided information in a public forum. There were two comments (both have since been removed by the newspaper) that bothered me. I decided not to respond on the paper’s forum, because I have a blog where I can say whatever I want.
The first comment got taken down before I copied it, but it said something along the lines of, “the taxpayers pay your husband for being in the Army so you don’t deserve any other gratitude.” This is the second comment:
“Get a clue, there are a lot of other things out there. As a military wife she gets housing, health care, cheap food. Bring this is to a stop it already. If you did not want this life, get out. I raised my child on my own without state or any help for all my life. My child is almost out of school. If you can’t handle your kids, stop having them and stop expecting the public to support you. Poor you, you knew what you what you were getting into. P.S. I am a military wife. Your husband signed up to fight for his country and kill people and take the chance of getting killed. He knew it, you knew it. You as well as your husband signed up for this and the public is supporting you. While I support the military, stop the BS.”
There’s a lot going on in that statement. Let me explain a few things to you. For starters, as a military wife I don’t “get” anything. My husband earns it. We do not “get” housing. If we live on base our base allowance for housing goes to the housing company to pay our rent. If we live off base, which is not always a choice, the housing allowance goes to us to offset the cost of housing. Without that allowance, we would not make enough money to afford to live, that’s how it works. Our housing allowance only covers our mortgage, not any of the utilities.
We also do not “get” healthcare. My husband earns a health benefit. Currently we choose the option that allows us to use on base healthcare. We don’t have deductibles or co-pays for most services. Sometimes we have to wait a very long time to get an appointment. We have to jump through lots of hoops to see a specialist. We usually have no real say in what doctor sees us or our children. I’m not complaining, we’ve always had very good doctors. But, it’s not free. Service members earn that benefit.
Cheap food is just nonsense. The commissary may be slightly cheaper than a regular grocery store. But there are no rewards schemes, few generic brands, and usually lower quality produce and meat. Here in Alaska milk is a full dollar more at the commissary than at the regular grocery store. Since I have a large family that drinks a lot of milk, I make the extra stop to buy it off base. However, if you think the food is still cheap I’ll remind you, it’s a benefit my husband earns.
None of it is free. Military personnel earn it. They earn it fighting a war that the vast majority of this country is either incapable of or chooses not to fight. They earn it being paid far less than their sacrifice is worth.
As for your comment about not being able to handle my children, you’ve obviously not read this blog, or the article on which you commented. I love them and I can handle them. Even when I have to do it by myself while my husband is off earning his pay.
I have always said that we knew what we signed up for when he joined the Army. I don’t complain about that, I’m certain I never have. But I take offense to your saying my husband signed up to kill people and take the chance of getting killed. That’s not true. He signed up because he was called to serve our country. For the greater good. He does not want to kill anyone, but if he has to make a choice he has been trained to do what is best for his comrades and this country.
According to the Pew Research Center less than half of one percent of Americans have served in the Armed Forces in the last 10 years.
Less than one percent.
The reason Military families look to the civilian world for support is that we are carrying a huge burden for the rest of you. Less than one percent of families have to send their Daddies, husbands, sons, daughters, Mommies, and wives off to war. Less than one percent have to sit at home wondering why they haven’t heard from their loved one in three days, hoping they get a call or an email from them instead of a knock at the door. Less than one percent worry that the person who returns home from war won’t be the same person who left. Worried that he’ll be broken either in body or spirit to the point of no return. Less than one percent have to hear their children weep at night because they’re so lonely for the sound of their Daddies voice that they think if they cry loud enough he might hear them and come home.
Less than one percent.
The other 99% of American citizens get to stay home. The “get” to do that. The only cost is taxes, which we pay too.
So yes, we do appreciate support from the civilian community. A word of thanks is often enough. We don’t expect a lot. But at the very least, if you can’t say something supportive and informed keep your mouth shut.
Amen sister. To every word.
Just keep telling it like it is yes there are some mean and DUMB people out there
There sure are!
Thanks friend. It means a lot that you are always on my side.
I read the comment on the ADN website the other day and wanted so badly to respond, but I couldn’t find the grown up way to respond, so I didn’t. I applaud you for being able to respond in a respectable, grown up way. BTW, I’m in the AF (female/mother to one set of twins/wife) and I never once took the article or your blog as someone who felt entitled. Someone pi$$ed in the person’s cheerios and she took it out on you. Shame on her for putting spouses against each other rather than rallying around one another.
It took all the strength I had not to reply on ADN. I wanted to be sure I said what was in my heart (and I think most Military families hearts) and not just what was in my gut.
You’re in the AF and a mom of twins? You’re obviously awesome.
Bridget, I am so sorry that you had to put up with such ignorance and ugliness. The real kicker is, here you are…inviting the world to view a snippet of your life, putting your names, pictures, etc. out there for the whole world to see. And then there is this cowardly chick who probably didn’t even post her real name in the ADN comments. People get behind a keyboard and spew filth and hate in order to scratch some sick itch that they have for relevance.
Just know, that you, my dear, are the real deal. And if little “ADN-comment chick” would like to debate the validity of the benefits that military families earn, tell her to bring it on…I (and a whole heck of a lot of other military, esp CAV, wives) have got your back!
I know I can always count on my Army wives!! Thank you Sadie! You too are putting it out there, which is always brave. I’m so glad we “met” thanks for being you!
HOOAH!
Wow…the nerve and gall of some people never ceases to amaze me! I don’t even know where to being so I will just say YOU GO GIRL!!! I’m behind you all.the.way!
D
Augh…typo…I mean “where to BEGIN”!!!
Thank you! I hope she reads this and understands a little more of what Army life is really like – but I doubt she will, sadly.
BLAH!!!! that’s all I can say and I know it’s not very grown up. The article was not written in any way that would give the reader the idea you were whining about anything.
There’s always gonna be negative people and at least you have the right attitude about it all. You’re absolutely right Dallas does EARN all of that just like any other job he might have but his sacrifices for us and our country are much greatee!
Thank you! All these comments help me to know that the ADN commentor does not speak for most people!!
I flagged the comment. What gets me (in addition to all the BS you commented on) is she states she’s a military wife. Really?!!! I don’t think so. If she is, she has some personal vendetta because none of what she says would normally come from the mouth of a woman who has experienced the hardships of military life and being a military wife. And for the record, neither have I. But my sister has, and I’ve been in awe of her strength for years.
Linda, thank you. Thank you for flagging the comment. Thank you for understanding our world. And thank you for being a support to your sister. You are a good person, I know it.
She is too. And so is her husband. I am so, so proud of them. Her husband is a submariner and when he’s on a boomer, he’s out of touch for very long periods of time. She holds the fort with grace and fortitude. And unbelievably she came to see me when her son was 2 years old and daughter 9 months old, flying from CT to AK on her own with the babies!!! I couldn’t believe she’d even try it. I know it’s not an easy life, with all the uncertainty and constant moves and anticipating the next move. Not to mention not knowing where your spouse is, and if they are safe! And for the record, I am a single parent who worked full time while going to school full time with a 3 year old, eventually becoming a CPA. My sister’s had it harder!!! I’d like to throttle the clueless person who posted on ADN…
You have my respect, and support. Keeping in mind that I raised two kids by myself for 8 years, there is no way that I have the courage to live the life you do. I sincerely appreciate the choices your family has made. Being a single parent wasnt easy, but Bridgett, you all ROCK! Thank you.
Thanks Jennie! Honestly, having civilian friends in the community makes it a lot easier:)
Also, being a single-parent was harder! I know it, at least now I can stay home and he works – even if he has to do it from the other side of the world. SO you rock too!!
A nobody! I hope she finds a little happiness in her life to make her feel less bitter and small, than she is now.
Lovelots, hugs and kisses to you friend!
Thanks Ava! Do you know you’ve been a great support for me through this deployment? You have, you’re awesome!! xoxox
People are nasty, stupid and narrow-minded. For her to take the time and write something this awful (and this goes for the commenter) is an indication of something far more deep seeded. Something that doesn’t have anything to do with you.
I loved your response and remember, water off a duck’s back, B.
Sending you support and love x
I love you, Grace. Truly. You’re a really great friend. (We should meet some time, right?)
Thank you for all that your husband and your family do. Thank you for being that one percent!
Thank you for supporting us!
Wow-is all I can say in response to the comment Ignorant people are hard to reason with but you did a very nice job here. Well said.
Thanks Christine. I doubt she’ll read this post, but I had to say something!
Your blog today tells it like it is, again. I read the comments and wanted to post, but thought better of it. You said it all. You are one special lady!!!
Thanks Mom! Love you! (P.S. You’re pretty special too!)
I get hate mail all the time. Even if the letter is made up of absolute ridiculousness and even if I rip it up immediately, I cannot help but think about its contents. In the end I usually am comforted by the fact that the most offensive letters are almost always sent anonymously. The one thing I respect above all else is conviction – the opposite is a manifestation of cowardliness, which obviously is not something I have time to try to convince or argue with.
People are crazy. For real. This one clearly is hurting and hurting can easily turn to hatred. Sad some hearts get hardened, while others continue to act valiantly and with light.
Bari, You helped me be able to act valiantly and with light. You were always so brave. And fun. And smart. I love you for that. Thank you.
I hate it when people say nasty things on a public forum – it accomplishes nothing, it is hurtful, and it makes them look stupid. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all! BTW – love the blog. You’re hilarious.
Thank you! Most of the time I try to be funny. Every once in a while I have to get some real “stuff” out.
–what a mean, old, envious, ignorant bitch.
I shall read your other article later at work.
Sending you love & support from Minnesota.
Xxx
Thanks Friend. I feel that support all the way here in AK.
If she is a military wife, she should know first hand you don’t “get” any of those things. She is ignorant. Thank you to your husband, you and all who do serve our country so that not everyone has to. Thank You for making the sacrifice. Military families deserve so much more than they get.
Thank you for supporting us.
I’m not sure she really is a military wife, sometimes people just say things…I don’t get it.
I’m so sad that you read those comments and for how you must have felt writing this post. There are mean people everywhere, and they’re usually the ones who simply can’t keep their mouths shut. Douchebags. (I’m channeling Jackson) Love you!
Thank you. You (and Jackson) are right, they’re douchebags.
Yeah Bridget! Big fat AMEN to everything you said. I wonder if she took my advice and is now reading your blog and this post. Nah, that would take some form of intelligence which she obviously doesn’t have.
Obviously. I use big words in my blog. Like seriously and don’t be gross.
You will be happy to know, her comment has been removed. I can’t believe how completely full of ignorance some people can be. You were a bigger person than I would have been! Thank you to you and your family for your service!
Thank you for your support. Trust me, it was all I could do not to respond – with lots of bad words!
All I can say to her is – maybe you may want to go to another country that doesn’t have the freedom that we do here so you can appreciate the fact that we do have people who put themselves in harms way – FOR US AND OUR FREEDOM! So irritating. Then again she probably feels that policemen and firefighters are way overpaid – which they are NOT!
Then again, it’s obvious this person is very unhappy and doesn’t have a funnybone. I feel sad for her.
You said it all friend.. BOOM!!
I would gladly beat that person up for yo,u and anyone else who gives you a hard time without even knowing what they are talking about.
I’m not a violent person, but hey, sometimes you gotta make an exception.. xoxo
I will help you pound some sense into her!!
Someone once told me that people usually hate for one of three reasons: They see you as a threat, they hate themselves, or they want to be you. Obviously there is some jealousy going on. Don’t let them get to you, you are awesome!
Thank you! You’re probably right about those 3 reasons too!
What I don’t get is where she got off thinking you were complaining about ONE DAMNED THING. You don’t complain about your situation, you don’t complain about your kids, you don’t complain that you can run 9 miles without stopping (I threw that in because it pisses me off quite frankly) and you don’t complain about the cost of ANYTHING. None of that shit comes up (am I missing something?) Only stupid dog sometimes gets complained about but we love them but they’re stupid.
I need to have a conversation with this woman who raised her child without any help. In a dark alley. I’m gonna need a place to stay.
My door is always open.
If you bring wine I’ll make you a key.
B-
Because of the sacrifices you, Dallas and the other 1% make every single day of your life, we have the freedom to sit in our comfortable homes, browsing whatever website we want, typing whatever we want… without fear of censorship or being tortured from government. She has no idea what you put on the line every day or what kind of life she would live (if you could call it living) without the DAILY sacrifices our service men and women make for HER freedom and security. I know it’s tough to ignore comments like her’s, but try! Some people are just looking for a pissing match. Don’t stoop to her level of ignorance. She’ll bring you to her level and beat you with experience. Please know, there are SO many people who appreciate all that you and your family do for us. I am so glad to have found your blog. It gives me a small inkling of what you go through every day. Thank you for allowing us to come inside your life and home and share it with you. {{hugs}}
I love, “she’ll bring you to her level and beat you with experience” I’m stealing that!
Thank you for supporting us and for understanding our sacrifice. It’s worth it, really – it’s an honor.
Amen to that! And bless you Briget. I wish I had your gift for writing. I’m sure I wouldn’t have had such restraint and such an eloquent way of putting her in her place. Sounds as if she’s a FORMER military spouse and bitter that only her child still receives the healthcare and base privileges her ex earns. I’m continuously amazed by the kindness and support of the community for the military and their families, and appalled by the ignorant, uninformed population who do not.
Briget….you are AWESOMESAUCE!!
Luckily, for the most part I feel supported by the civilian community. But once in a while these crazy statements surface and I have to defend military families.
I think you’re pretty awesome too!
I could curse. A lot. Instead, I will say thank you to you and your family. Thank you for the sacrifices you make and thank you for being strong enough to share with us even in the face of such stupidity and hatred.
Thank you for your support.
I had to focus a lot not to curse too.
You go Lady!! How dare someone who has shared the same struggles as a military spouse be so bitter about their time spent in service to this great country. Perhaps the uncertainty of the lifestyle has jaded you, but never knock another spouse trying to turn an incredibly stressful situation into something positive for others.
Having been active duty in the Air Force, I can speak firsthand of the life. It’s a choice to join, and my parents raised their children to believe that living in this country has a cost, and it was our responsibility to pay that cost in some kind of service. I worked in computers, earning a wage far less than my counterparts in private life. But I didn’t complained – this was my choice. Taxes may have paid my salary, but those taxes are the cost of living in a free country. And yes, we also pay taxes. The healthcare is free, however it’s not a perfect system. It is compensation for the lower wages earned. You can’t have defenders of your freedoms getting ill without a system to support them.
Blogs such as this try hard to show the other side of the deployment coin. It’s not only the active duty person who serves – like it or not their entire family serves, and they support each other through the good times and the bad. Those families support that >1% of the population who made a personal choice to give their time in service to this wonderful country. So please, appreciate all of them, and keep your bitter, ignorant rants to yourself. Or appreciate that it’s because of Briget’s husband’s service that you even get to make those rants, as misinformed as they were.
Briget – you keep it up, and forget the ignorant folks who feel the need to cast a cloud of crap over every single thing that has a positive shine to it. What you and your family do is commendable. And thank you and your husband for the your service to this wonderful country. I wish a healthy, safe return for your husband, and for all who serve in dangerous areas of the world.
Thank you for your support! Having people who understand and appreciate our sacrifice makes it worthwhile.
It blows my mind how ignorant some people can be. I LOVE your blog, I found it from the ADN site and read it all in a few days. Like others have said, thank you for sharing your life with others. I have laughed so hard at some of your posts and cried at others. Some may not understand that the hardest job in the military is the spouse. This is your outlet, and thank you for sharing it. For every negative comment have a glass of wine, it will make you feel better
I do have a glass of wine for every negative comment…maybe I need to have them for the positive ones too!!
Briget, Like you would like to be friends with the lady that wrote the ADN article, I would LOVE to have you for a friend!!! Your love for your family, your husband, and your country shines through the ADN article and your blog!! You have a FANTASTIC talent for writing!! I thank y’all SO VERY MUCH for your service!! If things were fair, the people who serve by making laws, (congress, and the senate) would make what our military troops do, And the military would make what they do!! GOD bless you and keep EACH and EVERY one of you safe in HIS loving arms!!
In HIM
Marilyn
Thank you!! We can totally be friends!!
I first found your blog through the wonderful article in the ADN this past Sunday. I just want you to know that I appreciate all the freedoms that I have every day due to those serving in our military. Don’t let the negative comments get you down!
Thank you! I promise, I won’t let them get me down!
Hi, I first started reading you after seeing the ADN article & because I love what Julia O’ Malley writes. I thought your responses were very good. I admire you & your family & you have my full support. I have never been in the military, my late husband was a 10 year Navy Corpman back in the 60′s & had lots of stories about serving on Submarines. I respect all of you & what you do & the uncertainty that you must live with every day of your lives. You just keep on writing & don’t let a few ignorant people get you down! I think your blog is very good, btw….Thank you to you & your husband & family for your sacrifices!
I plan to keep writing. Luckily, I get lots of support here, which easily offsets those mean comments!
Thank you for supporting us!!
Not only can you handle your kids, but you’re an AWESOME Mom and your kids are amazing! What a bitter fool that woman was. I’m very grateful for yours and Dallas’ sacrifice. Thank you both! <3
Thanks Tamara!! We couldn’t do it without people like you in our life!! XOXOX
Bridget- Don’t let stupid people ruin your day, not even for a second. There’s no way the woman who wrote the comment is a military wife. Maybe she was and her husband realized what a douche (yes, I said douche) she was and left her. As an active duty AF Officer and an Army wife, I’m proud to be part of the less than 1% so that these ignorant fools can freely voice their ignorant opinions. Bridget, your blog provides an outlet to military spouses while their heroes are at war. I hope you continue this blog because one day, I may be the one at war and I look forward to reading this to get me through the day. Military wives rock!
1. I love that you said douche.
2. I’m proud to know you, Alma. I mean that – you’re an incredible woman.
3. Can’t you just quit working so I don’t have to worry about you?!
The ADN comments is like a really nasty bar. Occasionally someone will say something of interest, but it’s mostly anonymous banter among a select few. Far and away, the bulk of people appreciate your family’s calling, your sacrifice, and find the twists of military life interesting, if a bit removed from civilian life.
The commenters are doing all they can. That’s pretty sad.
Thank you for your insights.
Thank you for reading the blog and for your support. I know I should have ignored the mean comments, but that last one was just too much. I had to set the record straight.
Ha! Love your response! She sucks, you don’t.
You’re right, she does suck!!
I used to live in Anchorage, (some of my family still does) and read adn from time to time just to see what’s new. I read your blog after reading the article and I think it’s great!! I am hooked! Your stories are insightful and entertaining. I have a 5 year old boy myself and am so glad to know I’m not alone in thinking he can be so gross! Thank-you to your entire family!
I’m glad you found the blog & thanks for your support! We mom’s of little boys – with our pee stained bathrooms – have to stick together!!
You go girl. You can’t cure stupld, and those people are stupid. Thank you for your sacrifices.
You are right, you can’t cure stupid! But I think I’ll keep trying!!
Thank you for your support!
Word.
Word up.
AY MEN, sister! She’s just miserable and trying to dump her negativity onto you. What a jerk.
She might be the biggest jerk ever.
Good job at responding to ignorance. ADN comments are just so out there at times…well quite often. I never take my freedom for granted, but apparently some do. Keep up the good fight.
Love your response. Well stated & you stuck to just addressing the ridiculous statements that she said. I really appreciated the write up in the paper. Because of that I will be following you further. Thanks for allowing us civilians a little peek into what military families have to do to support us & their loved ones.
Thanks for reading the blog! I hope I don’t disappoint you too much when I talk about poop for 3 days straight;)
I’ll never understand other people. It’s comments like that one (from the paper) that make me weary of humanity. Don’t let it get to you – some people just take their own crap out on other people, and they are icky.
Yes, they are icky.
On behalf of the 99%, I’m tweeting this post.
With love and gratitude and humility.
On behalf of the less than 1%, you’re welcome. It’s an honor to serve.
As a fellow military wife who has been through four overseas deployments and countless TDYs, I thank you for setting the record straight.
You’re welcome. And thank you for your continued sacrifice.
You go girl!!! I happen to have two sons that are both deployed, one is from JBER! I found the article on your blog by way of the Anchorage Daily News. Great job…makes me laugh! Thank you very much for making me smile today. DT from Ohio
You’re welcome! Your son’s not a CAV guy is he?
[...] spouse Bridget Rainey shares her family’s experience as part of the tiny percentage of Americans who have served in the Armed Forces. [We] are carrying a huge burden for the rest of you. Less than one percent of families have to [...]
Very well said grand daughter !!!!! very proud of you…..
Thanks Grandma, love you!
Has the mob died down yet? Because…Whoa woman, all I gots to say is, now you know how Angelina must feel.
Don’t you apologize or go explaining yourself (or essplaynin’ jurself, a la Ricky).
As I learned today – from my new boss – Rule number one is: People are idiots.
I do not contest that by the way. LOVE YA ALWAYS – You can do no wrong when it’s from the heart.
Thanks Nami! You’re new boss is right, people are idiots! But I had to set the record straight on this one!