Jen is still here visiting. We met in the summer of 1995 while we were both working at Lonz Winery in Ohio. We have a long history of consuming alcohol together. Some of it we can even remember.

Since I have a giant rhubarb plant (that grows despite my complete neglect of all plants) in the backyard we thought it would be fun to make a rhubarb cocktail recipe. It sounded like it could be good. Maybe. Possibly. With enough rum anything could be good.

The cocktail is called Rhubarb Shrub. I thought it was called Rhubarb Scrub, because I blog when I’m drunk.

Here are the main ingredients.

I know, it looks gross. We had faith. The directions said to chop up half a rhubarb stalk in a mason jar. Then add two cups of apple cider vinegar. I think it called for one cup of dark Jamaican Rum. Since Jen bought Puerto Rican Rum instead we just filled the rest of the jar with it.

The rhubarb needed to steep for 24 hours.

Upon opening the jar we were hit with the most foul vinegar scent either of us had ever smelled. My children immediatley ran for cover in the basement. It didin’t work because the scent wafted downstairs too. We both tasted it before adding the sugar and boiling it.

This is Jen’s reaction:

It was not good. I’m not sure any amount of sugar could help it. But we soldiered on anyway. Jen strained out the rhubarb.

Next she added one cup of sugar.

We brought the mixture to a boil and simmered it for 10 minutes. At this point Jen’s family back in Ohio could smell it. They called to complain.

We did another taste test.

Still a teensy bit vinegary.

Jen added more sugar…

We boiled some more, then put it in the freezer to chill. We don’t have much faith in this drink, so we moved on to an easier recipe.

Since we still wanted to use the lovely summer rhubarb we added it to our cocktails.

This is what nearly 40-year-old women do on vacation. Get drunk and blog.

Before we were done with our rum & cokes with a rhubarb twist, the shrub was cool enough to drink. The recipe said to add more rum and serve 1 part shrub to 4 parts club soda. We decided to try it without adding more rum because we were afraid of running out of rum before we were drunk.

This is the taste test:

     

Verdict: Shrubs are neither refreshing nor tasty. We’ll stick with drinking rum & coke, wine, and beer. Leave the vinegar for douchebags.

Having company wouldn’t be the same if something catastrophic didn’t happen. Ten years ago when Jen’s (my current guest) best friend Kim visited us in Florida John wound up hospitalized for two nights with croup. Kim and her then-boyfriend (now husband) Brian had to show themselves around Port Charlotte, Florida.

Jen arrived from Ohio on Monday night. Tuesday at 4 AM Jackson woke up with a croupy cough. After a day of tromping around Anchorage we were in the ER by 5 PM. Jen made baked ziti and fed the rest of my family dinner. An excellent way to start her vacation. Once he got a shot of steroids he seemed fine.

On Tuesday morning we also didn’t have any hot water. I turned the water heater up. Now we have hot water, so hot in fact that Jen might go home to an Ohio burn unit.

This morning we drove out to the Matanuska Glacier. It took around two hours to get there. It felt like eight. I blame that on Reese and Jackson. Less than 30 minutes into the trip Jackson started whining about wanting to go home. I ignored him because he’s a douchebag.

The glacier was awesome. If you ever get the chance to see it you should. However, take my advice and wear hiking boots or shoes with crampons (or as Jen says, “tampons”). To our surprise walking on a glacier is slippery, like walking on ice. You might also want to leave the two 5-year-olds at home. Losing them down a crevasse would be a bad way to end your Alaska vacation.

Half way out on the glacier Jackson’s douchebaggery was at an all-time high. He kept saying he wanted to go home. He was tired. He was cold. He was thirsty. He had to poop.

It was highly annoying.

We got him into the car and loaded up with sugar. I assumed sugar would keep him quiet. Then Jen noticed he was shivering and his cheeks were flushed. He said his stomach hurt and he thought he was going to throw up.

The thought of vomit in the car sent Jen into a tailspin. She is easily my most level-headed friend. However, the idea of smelling puke for two hours sent her over the edge. (She wants me to note that her children are car sick pukers. She’s had a couple of rum and cokes, so I’m not sure that’s true.) She made me stop and get a Target bag out of the trunk. Then she bundled Jackson in every extra piece of clothing we had and proceeded to launch the bag under his chin every time he made a sound or moved.

This went on for two hours. TWO HOURS.

By the time we got home Jackson was delirious. (And I was regretting agreeing to let Jen come visit.) He rushed in the house to wash his hands. I don’t think he has ever washed his hands before, but today it was very important.

I took his temperature, 103.1. Oops, maybe hiking on a glacier today wasn’t the best idea.

Since I’m an awesome hostess, I sat on the couch with Jackson while Jen got him medicine, unloaded the car, and took care of Reese.

By dinner Jackson was back to himself. Tylenol actually works to reduce fevers. In fact, it may have gotten him a little high. Either that or it was the fumes from the Target bag Jen shoved up his nose for two hours.

At dinner he threatened John with an otter pop. He called John buttcheeks and told Taryn to shut her stupid, ugly face. He ate his tomato soup with his fingers.

I think Jen preferred him sick. I might too.