Having company wouldn’t be the same if something catastrophic didn’t happen. Ten years ago when Jen’s (my current guest) best friend Kim visited us in Florida John wound up hospitalized for two nights with croup. Kim and her then-boyfriend (now husband) Brian had to show themselves around Port Charlotte, Florida.

Jen arrived from Ohio on Monday night. Tuesday at 4 AM Jackson woke up with a croupy cough. After a day of tromping around Anchorage we were in the ER by 5 PM. Jen made baked ziti and fed the rest of my family dinner. An excellent way to start her vacation. Once he got a shot of steroids he seemed fine.

On Tuesday morning we also didn’t have any hot water. I turned the water heater up. Now we have hot water, so hot in fact that Jen might go home to an Ohio burn unit.

This morning we drove out to the Matanuska Glacier. It took around two hours to get there. It felt like eight. I blame that on Reese and Jackson. Less than 30 minutes into the trip Jackson started whining about wanting to go home. I ignored him because he’s a douchebag.

The glacier was awesome. If you ever get the chance to see it you should. However, take my advice and wear hiking boots or shoes with crampons (or as Jen says, “tampons”). To our surprise walking on a glacier is slippery, like walking on ice. You might also want to leave the two 5-year-olds at home. Losing them down a crevasse would be a bad way to end your Alaska vacation.

Half way out on the glacier Jackson’s douchebaggery was at an all-time high. He kept saying he wanted to go home. He was tired. He was cold. He was thirsty. He had to poop.

It was highly annoying.

We got him into the car and loaded up with sugar. I assumed sugar would keep him quiet. Then Jen noticed he was shivering and his cheeks were flushed. He said his stomach hurt and he thought he was going to throw up.

The thought of vomit in the car sent Jen into a tailspin. She is easily my most level-headed friend. However, the idea of smelling puke for two hours sent her over the edge. (She wants me to note that her children are car sick pukers. She’s had a couple of rum and cokes, so I’m not sure that’s true.) She made me stop and get a Target bag out of the trunk. Then she bundled Jackson in every extra piece of clothing we had and proceeded to launch the bag under his chin every time he made a sound or moved.

This went on for two hours. TWO HOURS.

By the time we got home Jackson was delirious. (And I was regretting agreeing to let Jen come visit.) He rushed in the house to wash his hands. I don’t think he has ever washed his hands before, but today it was very important.

I took his temperature, 103.1. Oops, maybe hiking on a glacier today wasn’t the best idea.

Since I’m an awesome hostess, I sat on the couch with Jackson while Jen got him medicine, unloaded the car, and took care of Reese.

By dinner Jackson was back to himself. Tylenol actually works to reduce fevers. In fact, it may have gotten him a little high. Either that or it was the fumes from the Target bag Jen shoved up his nose for two hours.

At dinner he threatened John with an otter pop. He called John buttcheeks and told Taryn to shut her stupid, ugly face. He ate his tomato soup with his fingers.

I think Jen preferred him sick. I might too.