Yes. This one is. Maybe not Scarlett Johansson sexy, but still – sexy. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with admitting that or trying to be that, even as a mom. An article called The Tyranny Of The ‘Sexy’ Mom on Time.com caught my eye today. Women are entirely too hard on themselves. My friends do it, I do it, I think we all do it.
Just today I asked my friend Heather for an honest opinion about whether or not I was fat. Yes, I think I’m getting fat. I worry about the number on the scale – regardless of the way my clothes fit. In my head I know it’s silly, but I can’t help it. I’ve convinced myself there’s a magic number and I want to be there. I’m not going to stop eating or start working out every second of the day – it’s just a goal.
I also color my hair. And wear make-up. And try on hundreds of pairs of jeans trying to find the perfect fit. And had plastic surgery. And eat cheesecake. And bacon, sometimes together.
There’s nothing wrong with having goals.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look sexy.
The problem I have with this article, and other articles like it, is that it calls out moms for being solely responsible for their daughter’s self-image.
Psychologists showed the girls two paper dolls, one dressed in tight, cleavage-revealing “sexy” clothes and the other wearing a trendy but covered-up outfit. Most girls identified the sexy doll as the one most likely to be popular and the one they wanted to look like. Interestingly, media consumption did not seem to play a role in the doll they picked. But a mother’s self-image did. Those girls with moms who reported self-objectifying tendencies, like worrying about their clothes and appearance many times a day, were more likely to pick the sexy doll
Of course we worry about how we look. We worry about how clothes look on us. Is that bad? (It may have something to do with the ridiculous nature of women’s clothing sizes. Like how a size 4 has become a size 0, depending on which store you shop.) Guilty as charged. I worry about my appearance.
Does it make me a bad mom?
Am I self-objectifying?
No.
I’m being a normal person. Normal people want to look nice. They care about how they look, how their hair is cut, how their clothes fit. It’s normal.
Guess what? Men do it too. They do. Men get their hair cut. They shave or trim their facial hair. They try on different clothes and ask for opinions. They diet. They exercise. They struggle with how they look.
No one accuses them of self-objectifying.
Why is it only the mothers who get blamed?
I’m not a perfect mother. But my husband’s not a perfect father either. Why aren’t there more articles about fathers staring at the half-naked women on magazine covers and how that affects their daughters self-image? How come most of the conversation blames the mother and her self-image issues?
Concern about how you look is not self-objectifying. Teaching your daughters to be healthy, to take pride in how they look, to be the best they can be does not objectify them either. It’s normal. It’s how normal people behave, on almost every corner of the planet.
If we’re going to have a conversation about raising girls, it has to be about both parents. I promise, Dads view of women has a much greater affect on how teenage girls see themselves than how long it took Mom to get back to her pre-baby weight or how many outfits she tried on before their anniversary dinner.
Agreed! Last I checked if you have a dad in the house, he is just as responsible for raising the kids. Did the researchers even ask the dads any question? I doubt it but I’m too tired being both parents to read it.
I believe that taking an interest in your own appearance, and making the time and effort to look good, is a sign of good self esteem and pride in oneself. It’s a positive thing.
On the other hand, being obsessed with your own appearance and dramatically altering your habits/lifestyle in order to conform to an unrealistic model of what you think you should look like (especially if it’s deterimental to the people around you) is a sign of low self esteem, sexual objectification, and a whole host of other psychological issues.
The trouble with articles like that on is that it’s not really scientific research — it’s hysteria-inducing pop-culture dramatics thinly disguised as scientific research.
If Mum (or Mom) is too busy waxing her hoo-ha in the kitchen to have time to prepare dinner, or constantly tells her children that their father only loves her for her beachball-sized boobs, then it may have a negative effect on her daughter’s self-image. On the other hand, if Mum/Mom shows enough personal pride to dress well, eat healthy (most of the time) and exercise regularly, it can only have a positive impact.
But an article titled “Quasi-Scientific Studies Prove That Some Sexy Moms with Low Self-Esteem and Body Image Issues, who Regularly Engage in Negative Self-Talk in Front of Their Children, Might Contribute to the Poor Self-Image of their Daughters” doesn’t sell newspapers.
(Or whatever the phrase is in the digital age.)
Sorry for the ridiculously long comment… *hangs head*
I’m so glad I don’t have daughters. Justin would have them dressed in potato sacks and locked away in towers.
Thanks for the link to the article – it was pretty interesting and I think it’s total B.S. that the media has no influence on young girls image of being sexy. True, there are some truly self-absorbed mothers out there – but that’s apparent no matter what they’re wearing (or not wearing for that matter).
Moms have a right to use our equipment – after all, we gave it up for every person in this world. Well, except for test tube babies.
Amen! My daughters are beautiful, healthy, self confident young women. They also do not stress about what others think they should look like. They dress modestly by today’s standards and always have. They don’t understand the need to put everything on display like some young women do. I’m very proud of them. Their older brother is extremely protective of them and they’ve never given him a reason to scold them for their dress or behavior. Thanks for a great post! It’s ultimately the media thats to blame for people’s images of “perfect”. It goes back a long time and has affected generations. It’s how we allow those images to affect us and our lives that matters.
Secretly, my mom had a fucked up image of herself and put it on my a lot. As a little kid I knew to hold my stomach in and I didn’t even have one. She put it on me rather than my sister because I’m 3 inches taller and built different. Mom never liked the way she looked and girls do see that and think abou it and learn to be the same way. NOW, in my 40s, I’m very physically active, I’m prettier with make-up but not ugly without, I DO cover the gray and I wear a larger size than most, but I’m very healthy. I still get frustrated with her obsession with thin and pretty but she married the perfect man in that respect. What they find pretty and what I find pretty is totally different. Self assurance – pretty. Kind – pretty. Personality – pretty.
–All I can say is: You. Are. One. Sexy. Biatch!
Xxx
it’s all about confidence, babe….even for hot mamas.
I absolutely agree with every word you said! It’s good to want to look and feel good about yourself. I think that it would be interesting to see these dolls they spoke about – were the “sexy” clothes actually “slutty” or just a bit more revealing? I do think society at large has kids dressing too skimpy too young, but it can’t all be laid at the feet of moms who want to look nice!
Very interesting! Luckily I had a wonderful stepdad who loved me more than anything. But myy father couldn’t b bothered 2 c us. That had more to do w my promiscuous behavior & provacative clothing than anything my mother ever wore did. How ridiculous! And kudos to u for being a MILF! I dont have kids but want to look the best I can for my husband. Y wouldn’t u just b/c u r a mom!?! & sweetie…u r NOT fat. I gained 20lbs since I started dating mark….b/c. I eat when I’m happy. Luckily I’m tall so it went to my boobs & butt lol & PS..in HS I would b sent home for wearing shorts “too short”… but my bff didn’t when she borrowed them. They covered my butt as much as hers but since my legs were so long they were considered inappropriate (insert eye roll)
Are moms sexy?
Dads think so, so they are to the person who should be the most important one in their life.
I think (hope) you could also reverse the roles and get the same result.
Nik
My mom always knew that she was beautiful, but she was very judgmental of my appearance from a very young age. I even remember her telling me at age 14 that it was time to get braces and contacts to make me more “marry-able.” I’ve never felt good about my looks, not even a little bit, and that insecurity sometimes creeps into how I feel about myself as a person, despite all my accomplishments. It’s like the Peggy O’Mara quote: “Be careful how you speak to your children, one day it will become their inner voice.” So a mom having a good self-image isn’t enough. Moms also have to instill confidence in their girls and help them to love their bodies and learn to take good care of themselves. Of course Dads need to do their part too.
I remember when the twinlets were still in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit and I’d commute from home to take care of them. One day I walked in with make up and lipstick and another mum said, “Well, don’t we have the time to doll ourselves up??!”
What the hell was that supposed to mean?
Because my babies were in hospital, I had to mope around looking like a hag? Please.
You’re right. It’s absolutely normal to want to feel good and look good.