I cried at the Dentist’s today.
I think it was the first time in a while that I have been able to let myself go. The first time I had a moment to think about how lonely I am. I guess that’s what this all comes down to. I’m lonely.
One of my best friends, Jackie, is leaving tomorrow. She was my deployment husband, my sounding board for all of the crap this Army life throws at us. Her husband was deployed too and was Dallas’ direct superior. Our relationship was special on many levels. But mostly, I needed her because of her loyalty. I always knew that no matter what – Jackie had my back. We went through a lot together. A lot of tears and a lot of cursing and a lot of laughing it out – and now she’s gone too.
I don’t know how I’m going to get through the rest of this deployment without her. I really don’t.
Our troop suffered another loss this week. Another young man – just a baby really – lost his life in Afghanistan. Three other soldiers were seriously wounded. It makes me angry. I’m so mad that our people keep dying over a war that I don’t understand for people I don’t care about. I know I’m not supposed to think that way. I have faith that our leaders know more than I do – that there is some plan that makes all of this worth it. But I don’t care.
I just want them all to come home.
I want my husband to come home.
Because I’m lonely without him. I’ve been lonely since the moment he left, more than 250 days ago. I have amazing friends and a community both here and in real life that support me completely. But it’s not enough. I’m done. I’m ready for this to be over. I’m at the point where this – the deployment, the casualties, the uncertainty – needs to be over.
It’s impossible. What we’re doing as Army wives – it really is nearly impossible to get through. I don’t know how we all find the strength to get out of bed each day not knowing if today is the day our soldier doesn’t make it home. These women are so strong and brave.
And lonely, even though we try to hide it.
That’s the thing about loneliness, it sneaks up on you when you least expect it.
Like when you’re getting your teeth cleaned.
Thanks to my patient hygienist, Tammy – you made a lonely Army wifes day a little easier today.
Hugs my dear friend. You are so brave. This post just proves it. And I had my teeth cleaned today and remembered the sign John’s friends made for him after he won. Made me laugh and swAllow a bit of berry flouride.
Thanks, you’re brave too Navy wife:)
I’m glad we made you laugh today too!!
I had a feeling you hit a wall today. I tried to call and now I know why you didn’t answer. Two deployment husbands have now left you. That totally sucks. If I didn’t have to go to work tomorrow I’d be tempted to hop on a plane for a weekend of crying, wine, and cookies. You would have to make the cookies of course.
If I could have that weekend right now, it really would make everything almost better:)
Bridget dear, you are so strong to admit when you are at your weakest. We’ve all been there in that moment, when we just can’t hold back the tears. But there are those “sisters” who would never admit to a moment of despair, for fear that people would no longer view them as Superwomen.
My own moment came as I was looking at another deployment while we were in Hawaii. My best friend had moved months earlier, and I could NOT bear the thought of spending 2 more years in paradise, without her, when I knew I’d be spending a lot of time sitting in the chapel for yet another memorial service, without her. That is what brought me to Georgia, and some lovely new friends, and a new birthday sister…YOU!
I love you, and I will share whatever strength I can muster for you. That is how we do this.
Oh Kelly, this is exactly the kind of thing I needed to hear today. We just go on, and find new friends that make the real difference. Thanks birthday sister! I love you!
I have no words to ease your sadness. You are both brave and strong beyond words. All of you are. I’ve cried a little for each goodbye you’ve all had to say this summer. I’m counting the days with you and praying every day. Not. One. More. Life. Lost. I’m tired of all the deployments and the year of Christopher’s life, Justin can never get back. I want them all home, safe, now! Thank you for doing the impossible. Much love and hugs to you, my awesome daughter-in-law, and all of the rest of the ladies that keep it together when you really want to fall apart.
Thank you Robin, I know you have all of us and all the guys in your heart. It means a lot. Truly.
I’ve been following your blog for a few months, and it has made me wish I knew you in person. I’ve laughed at your stories of your sons, your wonderful friends, and the mayhem you take in stride. Today’s post shows a strength and faith that is incredible. By talking about that loneliness, you have let your friends, family, and even total strangers offer their support. Thank you for that raw honesty, and for allowing others in your life to brace you until you bounce back. Hugs to you. You are stronger and braver than a lot of us.
Thank you. I don’t feel brave, I feel a little lost. But the support here helps a lot. Thank you!
I love you <3
I love you too.
Oh, my dear cyber friend – how you hit home with your serious posts. Although admiration won’t help you at this point, I’ve got some wine, and can womp up some cookies. Take care of yourself if you can, and hurrah for your hygenist who let you cry when you needed to do so.
She’s pretty much the best hygienist ever:)
Sending you all my love and big hugs. You’re one of the bravest and strongest people I’ve met in this blogosphere, friend xxx
Thanks Grace, I’m not so sure I fit that bill most days. But thank you:)
Hugs to you Bridget. You are a great, strong, and resilient woman. We all have had those days; I admire you for admitting it.
Thanks, it’s funny how many others of us have felt or currently feel the same way – we just don’t talk about it much.
Bridget…
It’s hard Bari, really hard. But I’m trying.
Oh, Bridget. You make me laugh out loud so often, and every now and then you make me cry . You’re strong and brave and you have every right to feel lonely and afraid. There’s nothing I can do to help, and me words aren’t any more special than those of so many other people who love you, but know that I am drinking wine right now and thinking of you.
<3 <3 <3
Jo, youre words are very special to me. Thank you, cheers!
Bridget, nothing anyone can say will make this any easier or less lonley, but I am sending hugs to you. The fact that you let us see and hear and feel your emotions shows your strength. I pray Dallas and all the men will be home soon. <3
Thanks Mom:)
I am so sorry !!! You are in my thought’s & prayers…
Love you always, GMA
Thanks Grandma Betty. Love you too!
I’m so very, very sorry, especially because I’m thankful for you – you and every single Military Wife, Military Man, Military Family. I am sorry you are hurting. I am sorry you are lonely and yet I thank you and every single military family for their sacrafices (and there are so very many). I’m sorry. Thank you.
Thank you, Lori. Knowing I have this kind of support really does help.
It’s not fair, Jackie leaving and a casualty. It just plain ol’ sucks, hard. Our tiny group is shrinking. Now all you have left is a girl who out runs you (Megan), an invert who we have to drag out of her house (Heather), a girl who can’t drink with you (me) and a new mom who is tired all the time (Sara). Guess this isn’t helping, is it?
P.S. Stasha, John’s lame-o friends didn’t make that sign. Bridget’s awesome friends made it. Even with Jackie gone, we got Bridget’s back.
You do have my back but you usually make fun of it.
Oh Bridget, I’m so sorry. There are just no words to make this any easier. Sometimes you can’t help but sit down and cry, but you will find the strength to get up again. Just give it time. Sending you a big virtual hug. xoxo
Thanks Mirjam, I’m getting there – slowly.
I was just thinking about you yesterday, wondering how much longer you have. I see Joe’s friends’ wives struggle with their husbands’ deployments with the Navy and it makes me sad because I know them. And then I think of you. Although I wouldn’t have hesitated to be with him, I’m so glad Joe didn’t stay in as long as his friends.
I’m sorry friend. I’ll fly out tonight if you want (on your dime) and be with you.
I wish having someone here would help, but there really isn’t any replacement for Dallas.
I think we’ve all kind of hit that wall of desperation now. Desperate to have our husbands home and safe. Desperate to be able to not worry every second of the day. Desperate to not have to do this all alone anymore. And desperate to feel the warmth of him next to you at night. Thankfully, the clock is winding down to just a matter of weeks. We will get through this… together.
Thanks friend. I know I can count on you guys to cheer me up.
Rest assure you are not alone. Our husbands leave, sometimes a lot. We always survive and when they come home, we look back and wormer how we did it. We hold on to them, we love them when they are here, we keep them near when we can. We do as mich as possible while we have them, knowing all to well that there will come a time when hey deploy again. It’s not easy but we do it because we love them. Stay string, I know the end is near. Everyday is one day closer to them being home. You’re allowed to cry and be sad. It’s hard but you have friends and “sister” who know what’s its like.
It does help, knowing so many other women who understand and appreciate the sacrifice and sadness. Thank you for reminding me that it’s all worth it to have a life with him.
Hi Bridget.
I am so happy I got to meet you! Pretty cool to meet you after stumbling across your blog. This post was a tear jerker. You are so brave to put that out there and for so many reasons that I am sure you get told about. But I cant help but admire you and the way you are dealing and getting through this stupid deployment. Again, thank you for sharing. I look forward to chatting with you again over red wine.
)
Take care,
Jen
I’m glad I got to meet you too Jen! I feel lucky we crossed paths and I look forward to chatting over wine again soon too!
Thank you Thank you!!! Thank you for saying what we all feel and are to proud to say…. Try so hard to be strong and take the good with the bad… You are not alone. Love you tons! Sincerely another Lonely Army wife
Love and miss you too Nikki! I have to admit, it’s nice to hear that all of my Army sisters feel this way too – it makes me feel less alone.
((HUGS)) my friend.. Sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers your way. I love you!!
Hugs to you too Jen!! I love you!
… and yet you have to be brave and strong for your children. How long will this craziness go on? Let’s remember at the polls! Hopefully someone can change this. You have been amazingly positive. Hang in there. Tears and prayers! Your Mom’s friend,
Delores
Thanks Delores, I’m hanging on until he gets back home!
I love you! Its okay to cry and its okay to feel lonely. Nothing makes sense as far as this war. I believe that things feel harder because its an election year- so much tension in the air and very little positivity. Just know that you are inspiring others. I know you have have inspired me and you helped me sooo very much even though we are really far apart. But…Ilove you sister. Cry all you need to. I cry in the shower and when I run. I have even cried at the grocery store. Its okay to cry. We are very lucky to have our little ones with us to hug when we need comforting.
I hope you know that you’ve helped me get through this too! And you’re right, having the love of the kids makes any bad day better:)
Thank you for sharing everything with us all. For everything You army wives go through and the strength it takes, the moments you share, and even the loneliness. I’m usually without words when one releases emotion. But I got to let all you army wives know from many of us that are not army wives and have no clue on expectation and weight of the load, you are truly are appreciated and constantly prayed for to give you strength to carry on, that your husband will come home soon and this miserable wartime be over which has affected everyone’s life one way or another.
You really are awesome!
Hope you feel all the good vibes and energy sent your way. From reading you post it looks like you have many that have your back! It won’t be in the exact same manner but it’s covered!
I do feel the good vibes! Thank you for them and this lovely message.
I’ve been a faithful blog reader since ADN ran their article about you. My husband spent two 12 month long deployments in Iraq with the AK Army National Guard. Your words ring so true to me. I’ve had your day and ended up in tears one day during the last deployment after I put the back of the truck in a snowy ditch on the way to dropping off the kids at school. It wasn’t about the stupid truck. Or the snow, or even the embarrassment of being “that mom in the ditch”. It was just the final straw with so much burden that we as army wives carry around built up inside. And even with supportive friends and family, and maybe even a super cool blog, it’s lonely. It sounds so cliché… but I’ve had your day and I remember it well. I tear up when strangers thank me for my husbands service, I love little old men at the grocery store in their retired Service baseball caps, and I blow kisses to all the Army helicopters I see in the sky. You seem like my kind of gal, hang in there and know there are lots of people checking in to read about day 365.
I always thought you’re most vulnerable to a person who you open your mouth to. You really are one tough person to be so honest about being lonely and though I may be a dumbass, I’m no fool – so I’ll pray that Dallas returns to you safely.
Oh Bridget! No words of wisdom just hugs your way. I know you know you’re loved by so many but that doesn’t replace what’s missing at the moment. I wish you weren’t all the way in darn Alaska because yes I would make a trip to come see you!
It’s ok to just let it all go and I’m glad you were able to. I don’t understand this war either …. we just all need to keep having faith even when it’s hard.
I’m so sorry. That’s all I can say. Love.
Oh, I am so sorry Bridget. I can’t imagine how hard it all must be. I hope he comes home safe and that the remaining time somehow speeds by!
Oh, Bridget- I am so sorry. I hate to hear about the loss of the Soldier in your husband’s unit- I hope they all come home safe and that the days fly. The constant moving of Army families is such a hard thing to endure. I wish there were a better way to help families cope- but I think your blog helps others through your own pain. I’m sorry.
Thanks for sharing. I am sharing this all over.
I know and I understand. I’m also the wife of a soldier. It doesn’t really matter if I was happy in my life with him or not, but being in a country of war, seeing him leave and not knowing if he will be coming back was not easy at all. It still isn’t. Most men in my country has served in the army, many family members couldn’t make it. I always ask myself why? You say you trust your leaders, that there is a purpose, but I don’t. Not in my country at least. I don’t trust them. In fact i don’t trust any plan or objective is worth fighting for with arms, and killing people, innocent people.
I know the loneliness too. It’s my worst enemy because I don’t like my own company. I’m sorry that i don’t have words of comfort. Thank you for sharing. You helped me now the way your dentist helped you. A good cry is always helpful. Much love <3
Ooooh, this moved me so.
Lonliness is such a horrible thing, isn’t it?
It HURTS. It hurts like hell.
Thinking of you today, dear. Sending some love. X
I am so very sorry that you are hurting. I am thankful every day for our troops and especially the loving families waiting at home. I am praying that the deployment will end soon for you.
Oh, sweetie, I wish there was anything I could say to take this away. My thoughts and prayers are with you to keep you all strong and safe.
Thank you for being such a great friend to Jackie while she was there. As a long time friend of hers that has lived far away from her for probably the last 10 years, I can assure you that she will ALWAYS have your back! I hope the rest of your husband’s deployment goes quickly and safely.