This. This is hard.
It’s been a few weeks since my husband returned home from ten months in Afghanistan and some days it isn’t any easier than when he was gone. When I first saw him at the welcome home ceremony I cried. I cried a lot. I don’t think I ever allowed myself to feel the real weight of his absence. But once I saw him again all that stress, fear, and exhaustion let loose.
And I thought it was over.
But it’s not, not even close.
People keep asking me how he’s doing. Has he changed?
Yes. No. I don’t know. I don’t know how he feels. I don’t think we can ever really know how another person feels.
I know I’ve changed. It’s been ten months, of course I’ve changed. How could I not? I’ve had to adjust to his absence so I’ve changed how I parent. The way our household functions has changed. It had to because there was only one person to do the work of two, but also because of the natural progression of life. Kids change constantly they’ve gone through complete phases of development while he was gone. He never saw it and I couldn’t possibly explain it to him. It just is.
My closest friends have become sisters who have weathered the storms of deployment together. I still need them and I miss them now that we spend less time together. I’ve said goodbye to best friends. I’ve made new friends and walked away from friendships that were once meaningful to me.
I’ve explored Alaska on my own. I’ve played travel guide by myself. I trained for and completed a half-marathon. Along the way learning that I can do things I never thought I could.
I don’t want to let go of the things I’ve learned about myself. I have to figure out how he fits back into this new picture of me. Of our family. I have to do that without making him feel like I don’t need him.
Because I do need him. I love him. I love whatever version of him has returned home.
But it’s hard.
There’s no getting “back to normal.” There’s no normal. We’re in flux. It seems like we will be this way for a long time, perhaps another 10 months. Another cycle of life.
Only this time we’ll go through it together. I think that’s the only way to get to something that resembles normal.
Thinking of you. I’ve lived apart from my husband before out of necessity (jobs/finances) not deployment and having them back is a different kind of hard than having them gone.
It’s true, it’s a different kind of hard. At least for a while. Thanks for understanding.
Guess what?…..you’re normal. Hang in there.
Thanks. I’m trying:)
I can relate in a way. When Tim first got this job he had to live and train in California until he passed security clearance (10 months). The kids and I were in Tucson. We saw him every 3 weeks for a long weekend. Once cleared, we moved to Las Vegas. Immediately he deployed to Afghanistan for 2 months. He’s been overseas 8 of the 16 months we’ve lived here. It’s hard to readjust when he comes home. We have to get used to each other again. It’s not the same as your situation, but its close. It’s hard, it’s different but it’s our life. Flux is a perfect word. Hang tough.
Thanks Robin. I know lots of us are in the same boat, or something similar. It’s hard, but I know managing it is possible.
Love your candid. I can’t imagine what it is like. We build up so many skill to survive, it is hard to let go of those and feel any semblance of safety. And then in the coupledom to let down walls enough to get to know each other again. I am working with a few couples post deployment and wow. I want to bow to you to acknowledge and honor what you are going through.
Sending some love, too!
Thanks Jodi. It’s funny, I didn’t realize how many walls had built up or how safe I felt in control of everything, until now. It’s scary.
Love you!
Love you too, Bari!
You’re a strong, independent woman and you’ve had to heavily rely on your own resilience for the past 10 months. We’ve been through it with you. It’s okay to have things a little bit shaken up now that Dallas is back. After all that you’ve BOTH been through, you wouldn’t be human if everything was ho hum diggity normal.
Hugs to you, B x
Thanks Grace, you have been through it all with me. Just having your presence in my life has helped a lot. More than you probably know.
((HUGS)) sent your way. I understand exactly what your going through. Always know you are NOT alone. After three deployments, I can tell you things will NEVER be exactly the same. The love you feel will never change, but roles, responsibilities, people change. You just have to learn how to take these changes and work them into life. I love you my friend, you will get there, and it may take months, and that’s okay.
Thanks Jenn! I love you & miss your comforting smile & hugs! I know you’re right, that we’ll get through it. It’s just hard, harder than I realized.
You are miles away from where I am but posts like this, it feels like you are just sitting next to me. So real and so honest.
Love you!
xoxoxo
Love you too Ava!! I feel it, all the way over here!
This is very true! Every time mine comes home (he’s been deployed 3 times) it takes some adjusting! I grew a baby, delivered him, and raised him while the husband was gone. He had to come home and learn to be a dad and fit back into what our lives had become over the 15 months he was gone. It’s difficult at times but once things settle down and a new routine is established, everything will eventually become the “new normal”
So much has happened, little and big-some I even forgot to mention to him. How does that happen? A whole chunk of our lives is kind of gone. I know with time we’ll adjust, but I do hate that we missed so much.
Sending thoughts of support and joy!
Thanks, Megan!
I figure we just have to hold on till January. Block leave and the holidays will be over. The guys can get back to work, and stay there ALL day!
That’s a different countdown, are you going to make a new timeline on your wall?
I know this isn’t a funny post, and it’s not my intention to take away from the signficiance of what you’re sharing, but all I can think of is “Homeland.” Boy did HER husband come back different. Only he was a POW for 8 years and stuff.
Joe’s best friend just left for his LAST deployment, this time along with the Army (he’s a SeaBee) after working with them for several months, so it won’t be the same as in the past. Two months after he returns he is retired. Laura is a wreck because he’s made it through so many deployments through four kids and she worries about fate.
When I started dating I was like, “I can open my own door, strange man. I can carry that. I can fix that. I don’t need help.” Now I’m like, “Can you get up and bring me those Jr. Mints right here?”
In time you’ll all find a whole new rhythm.
Yeah, but he totally ate the junior mints!! I don’t want that rhythm!!
Hang in there! It is not quite the same, but my father deployed when I was 20. He was gone just 6 months. My youngest sister was 16, but when he returned we saw this same struggle happen between my parents. My mom had become much more independant, she had developed friendships that had been her life-line while he was gone. He came back thinking things would be how he left them, but they werent and couldnt be. My mom had changed. There was some friction while they worked out how things would be, but that was 5 years ago and my father has since retired from the military. They are happily married and my mother still retains the confidence she found in herself while my father was deployed.
From an older child’s point of view. It was an amazing lesson to learn about marriage and change and struggle. Im sure your kids feel the tension, but you get to show them what marriage is all about.
Thank you for sharing this Sarah. It made me cry a little, but in a good way. I hadn’t thought of it in this light-but I’m glad to know that my kids can see us work through it. Too many people take marriage lightly, I’m glad they get to see that it’s hard, but worth it. Thank you.
I’ve been wonderig about this since he got home. I know that once Babe was gone just for three weeks and just that amount of time was hard. Doing it together is better than alone. Thinking of you.
Thanks Jamie. It took me a while to find the words (once the initial excitement wore off). I’m not even sure I got it right. It’s always tough, even when he’s only gone for a short time.
I’m trying to prepare myself for life when he’s back. Reading this reminds me that its not going to be easy and will take work, patience, and time on both parts. Hang in there friend! And if I sounded a little desperate yesterday about having a girls night it’s because I miss you! I sometimes cut myself short of all that I have accomplished while he’s been gone. We ran a half-marathon…that’s AWESOME!
We are pretty awesome! I think, really, together we are pretty much unstoppable!!
Don’t worry about it too much. Try to enjoy being excited that he’s almost home!! Woot!!
I miss you too! I miss all of us together. It’s weird not seeing you every other day.
Your post, as are all the serious ones I read, is courageous, enlightening, and from your heart.
All the comments are valid, but Jamie’s hit the mark most concisely.
When women filled job in the factories in WWII, and were subsequently released to be housewives again, their marriages changed. It’s not the same, but it is the same.
You grew during Dallas’ absence; he grew and changed, as well. Now you get to fall in love again with the new wonderful people you have become. It took a while for you to meld the first time. Give yourselves some time now, as well. Hold each other’s hands, and be gentle. It’s all part of the journey.
Thank you, Dana for this thoughtful and kind post. Your words touch my heart.
I have wine – will we ever meet? Give me a call – 561.4412
Time fixes everything and you’ll find a new normal together, I don’t need to tell you how I know this, but though my husband wasn’t deployed anywhere he went through things that changed him, me, and our lives. You find a new normal, and you will always be you and he will always be him no matter what happened in between.
You’ll work it out. Time is all you need. (And love, but then I’d be quoting a song and wouldn’t want to be sued for perjury, or copyright infringement or something)
I do know what you went through & I think the adjustment is probably very much the same. Thanks for helping me see that we can get through it, even with the copyright infringement.
Your words are the ” perfect” explaination of normal… At least our normal! Thank you! Needed to hear that getting ready for another deployment. <3
I love you Nikki!! I’m here whenever you need to talk. Xoxo
I just love you. And your honesty.
But mostly you.
I love you too. And the fact that you’re back!
Maybe the saddest part of that question of whether “he’s changed,” is that nothing’s changed at all. You wouldn’t plant a seed, expecting it not to grow – why go through a trial and undo the strength it gave you? Enjoy the tension and…make some Bolognese sauce – that always fires things up for me, anyway.
How is it you’re hilarious, wise, and like good beer? You’re my dreamboy.
Love you and your family.Thinking of you and knowing you and your family could never be normal, but that you will get through together with love and laughter (and wine)!
I love you too!! Xxoox
I enjoy seeing you all together at the Fellowship, and I thank you for sharing. I had not thought of the challenge in these terms, but it makes perfect sense. By the way, I have a high tolerance for wine and enjoy training for sporting events.
Than you, Jackie. We should get together for wine sometime!
Beautifully expressed, Bridget. Xxx
Thanks, friend.
I’m gone for 3 or 4 days for work and my wife, kids and dog and I all lose our minds.
what you do is amazing. Hang in there
Thanks, Lance. I think I’ve lost my mind most of the time.
You are amazing! You’ll get through it, I have every confidence. I’m sorry it’s so hard. Hugs!
Thank you, Stacie!