My least favorite gift this Christmas was a severe case of strep throat. On December 27th I woke up with a dry/scratchy feeling which rapidly progressed to a high fever, chills, and no ability to swallow. I don’t often get so sick that I can’t get out of bed, but this was one of those times. For two days I was snuggled up, drifting in and out of naps, eating applesauce, and watching television.
I spent most of my time flipping between HGTV, TLC, and The Travel Channel. House Hunters, Anthony Bourdain, and Say Yes To The Dress got me through my illness. The programming was mildly entertaining. The commercials made me lose almost all hope in society.
For starters, there were diet ads in almost every commercial block. Sometimes back to back. Marie Osmond selling Weight Watchers, or was it Nutri System. Maybe it was Alli or Special K. I couldn’t keep track of it all. It did not escape me that these ads were often bookended by ads for fatty foods. I see what you’re doing diet industry and I don’t appreciate it.
The ASPCA ads wore me down. I’m already sick, you don’t need to show me sad pictures of cats and dogs while Silent Night plays in the background. Seriously, where do I send the check and how much should I make it out for to get these commercials to stop playing. I can’t handle the depressive break.
There were a lot of gadgets advertised too. Have you seen the hurry cane? It’s a cane that swivels in a circle (like a hurricane – clever) so grandma can walk easier. I worry about the mechanics of that. I think it’s going to break and grandma is going to wind up flat on her face with that cane in a heap beside her.
Another product I saw advertised 479 times was the pedi spin. It’s for foot grooming. Those who know me know I have a long-standing foot aversion In the ad people are using this thing to scrape mountains, literally mountains of calluses off their feet. I’m all for making your grubby feet look better, but showing it on TV is not necessary. Seriously.
My favorite commercial was for HOT BUNS! It’s not what you think. I heard the commercial as I drifted in an out of my Acetaminophen induced coma before I saw it. I assumed it was an ad for workout DVD’s. I was wrong. It’s a device to help women to, “achieve the perfect bun in minutes!” How on earth have women ever lived without this product. I mean, I know I personally have spent hours and hours trying to achieve the perfect bun. Usually I settle for a pony tail held up with a scrunchie. The women in the hot buns commercials are super-excited about this product because it makes their lives so much easier! And it comes in multiples sizes, so they can make fast buns for any occasion! Yay for technology!
Are people actually buying this stuff? If aliens are studying us based on our TV commercials we’re doomed. Seriously. They think we’re a bunch of feeble, fat, crusty footed losers who wear our hair in giant buns.