My nephew recently enlisted in the Army. I’m proud of him and I hope that he and his wife learn to love this Army life as much as I do. I especially hope that for her (my niece-in-law?) because if you don’t love it, you’re going to be miserable for a long, long time. In the beginning it’s easy to get frustrated and hate the Army life. There is no manual that tells you all the little things you need to understand to navigate the big and often unwieldy military system. Your husband and most everyone you encounter is going in acronyms. You’ll have loads of questions and very few people who know the answers. It’s enough to make you want to pack a bag and head back home. I know, I was there once.

I learned a lot of lessons the hard way or by watching other people’s mistakes. I figured I couldn’t be the only one, so I asked a few friends and we came up with a list (by no means an exhaustive list!) of things every Army wife needs to know.

1. Learn to navigate the healthcare system. If you have questions call Tricare and ask, they’ll explain everything to you. Also, if you can’t get in to your doctor for a sick visit don’t just go to the ER, call Tricare and ask for a referral to a walk-in clinic.

2. Learn to read rank. You might hear people say that rank doesn’t matter and that’s true – you should be nice regardless of rank. But it’s important that you know who you’re talking to.

3. Be generous. Every move is hard. You have to make new friends, change jobs, enroll the kids in school, redecorate, it’s never going to be easy. But your soldier is going through the same kind of hardships with his new job, chain of command, new responsibilities. Complaining or being angry is only going to make you both miserable. Your soldier has an important job that requires an incredible amount of trust between co-workers. Let him focus on his new job and try to be understanding of his stress too. Be there for each other. Communicate. Encourage one another. You will get through the transition. And you will be stronger for it.

4. Tip the baggers at the commissary. They work only for tips so always have a dollar or two ready to hand them after they deliver the bags to your car. I tip $1 for every $100 I spend, but it’s up to you. Don’t let them bag your groceries and take them to your car if you’re not going to tip them.

5. Be nice to the commissary and PX workers. Don’t complain when they ask for your ID, they’re just doing their job. Remember, they’re often the family member of a soldier, so you could run into them in social situations.

6. Don’t lose your ID. Seriously, keep track of that thing.

7. ACU’s can be washed in regular detergent. I’ve heard that they need to be washed in Woolite, by hand, special soaps, no fabric softner…the list goes on. I wash them with all the other clothes and they’ve always been fine.

8. Don’t complain to your husbands boss. Even if they say you can come to them with your problems, they don’t mean it. If you have an issue, your husband needs to take it up the chain of command – not you.

9. You are expected to volunteer and help with fundraisers. They say it’s not mandatory, but it is. Unless you have a good excuse for not helping, get used to being “volun-told” to do things. Consider it a way to meet new people and make friends

10. No PDA while your husband is in uniform.

11. Some people are going to hate you because of your husband, either for something he did or simply because of his rank. Don’t let them get to you.

12. The Army is a 24-hour-a-day, 365 day-a-year job. Just accept it. His phone is going to ring at 4 AM. He’s going to miss dinners and movies and soccer games even when he is not deployed. That’s the job.

13. Take advantage of programs and classes offered by the Army and attend Army functions. This is how you will make friends and understand what is going on. If you don’t get involved, you can’t complain about being clueless and alone when your husband is gone, and he will be gone a lot.

14. Build relationships with other wives. Go to the Family Readiness Group meetings, some guys don’t want their wives to get involved, don’t let him stop you. You need information and you deserve to build a support system outside of him.

15. RSVP. Whenever you are invited to something, RSVP promptly. Not doing so reflects poorly on you and your husband. People might say that how wives behave doesn’t make a difference, but it does. You are a direct reflection on your husband and can negatively or positively impact his career.

16. Use the on-post gym. I was scared to go to the gym at first because I thought it would be all soldiers. It’s not, especially during non-PT hours. Use it, it’s free!

17. Watch your pay. The Army messes up pay regularly. If you notice you are being underpaid, have your soldier check into it. If you are being overpaid, have him report it. And if you have been overpaid, set that extra money aside in a separate account. They’ll figure it out eventually and want it back – I promise you’re not going to pull one over on the Army.

18. Don’t let the movers unpack for you. They’ll make a mess and be grumpy about it. They’re required to put your furniture back together, let them do that but unpack the boxes yourself.

19. Clean your house before the packers come. If not they’ll pack a bag of trash, dirty laundry, whatever they find. Plus it’s gross to make them take the dirty sheets off your bed. Ick. Also, have drinks available for the movers and be nice to them. I tip the movers (on both ends of the trip) and the packers, but not everyone does.

20. Know where your soldier works. You’d be surprised how many wives say, “in the Army” when they’re in a group of other Army wives. We want to know what battalion and company. Ask your husband what you should say, he’ll know the right answer.

This is a small sampling of the acronyms you need to know on Day One of being an Army wife. There are lots and lots more, you’ll pick them up as you go along. If you don’t know what an acronym stands for don’t be afraid to ask. Seriously, we’ve all been there!

LES - Leave Earnings Statement, his paycheck stub.

PCS - Permanent Change of Station, it means you’re moving again. Army people will say, “we’re PCS’ing at the end of the month.”

MOS - Military Occupational Speciality, his job title. It’s two numbers and a letter like, “98 Charlie, signals analyst.”

POV - Personally Owned Vehicle, your car.

DOD - Department of Defense

FRG – Family Readiness Group, your best line to get information and to meet the families of the other soldiers who work with your husband.

BDE - Brigade

EFMP - Exceptional Family Member Program, the program for families with special needs.

ACU - Army Combat Uniform, the current uniforms.

MRE - Meals Ready To Eat, the food the guys eat out in the field. They’re not that bad.

PT - Physical Training, also “PTs” meaning is PT uniform.

ETS - Expiration of Term of Service, getting out of the Army.

TDY - Temporary Duty, this is when your husband has to travel for work but is not deployed and you can’t go with him.

DEERS - Defense Enrollment Eligibility Reporting System, this is where all your information is stored. When you get married, have a baby, get divorced, change addresses, or anything along those lines you have to report it to DEERS.

AAFES - Army Air Force Exchange Services, also the PX/BX/NEX/MCXS (Post/Base/Naval/Marine Corps Exchange). It’s the department store on post.

ABN - Airborne, the guys who jump out of airplanes.

BAH - Basic Allowance for Housing, the money you get to pay for your housing. If you live on-post the Army keeps it. If you live off, you get it. It’s important to know your BAH before renting a house, stay within the BAH.

DFAC - Dining Facility, the cafeteria on post.

KIA - Killed In Action

OPSEC - Operational Security, mind OPSEC. Be careful about what you say and whom you say it to, especially when it comes to social media. Yours and other soldiers safety depends on it.

So that’s it, you’ll be totally set as a new Army wife now. I’m kidding, of course. There is tons more stuff you need to know, but this is all I could think of right now. Don’t let that scare you, you’re going to be fine. When it doubt, ask questions. Seriously, there are no stupid questions only stupid people.

If any of my Army sisters have anything to add, please do so in the comments!!

 

This past week lines were drawn in the sand on the marriage equality debate. It warmed my heart to see so many of my Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr friends and followers with the equality logo as their profile picture. I was also equally disappointed to see many people say, “I support traditional marriage.” To me marriage is about love. In most cases I think people get married for love. They get married to build a life together because they love each other.

That’s traditional marriage, two people who are in love saying, “hey, life’s hard – let’s you and me see if we can get through it together.” It’s been that way for centuries. Marriage has always been encouraged because life is better when someone has your back. It really is that simple.

But I do understand how some people are uncomfortable with the idea of gay marriage or disagree with it because their faith tells them homosexuality is a sin. What bothers me about the traditional marriage advocates is when they say they don’t hate homosexuals. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints issued this statement, “while the Church is strongly on the record as opposing same-sex marriage, it has openly supported other rights for gays and lesbians such as protections in housing or employment.” Another religious blogger wrote (a lovely post that everyone should read – click here for it) about hating the sin, but not the sinner.

This is where they lose me because I don’t believe you can have it both ways. You can’t say that your faith is based in love or that you have no ill feelings toward homosexuals and then in the next breath say they do not deserve the same rights as you. Homosexuals are people, and all people deserve the same rights. To think otherwise makes you a bigot. Plain and simple. I know Christians get upset at being labeled bigots, because they think they are being attacked for their faith. That’s not it, their faith is not the issue. I appreciate and respect other people’s faiths. I have attended services at Jewish Temples, Catholic, Baptist, Unitarian Universalist, and LDS churches. Every time I have left with nothing but respect for the kindess of the people who attended those churches. I might not have shared their beliefs, but I respect them and their right to practice their faith.

Because regardless of faith, we are equals. Regardless of race, we are equals. Regardless of gender, we are equals. And regardless of sexual orientation, we are also equals.

If your faith tells you that homosexuality is a sin, that’s fine you can believe whatever you want. If your church does not recognize gay marriage, then they have every right not to perform or recognize them. But marriage equality is not about faith. It is about giving every person the same rights as every other person. That is why in order for a marriage to be legal, it can’t just happen in a church. In order for a marriage to be legal the two parties have to go to the courthouse and enter into a legal contract.

That’s all marriage equality is about, a legal contract. It is not about church. It is not an attack on Christian principles. It is about equality. Traditional marriage is two people signing a document at the courthouse and then having all the rights and responsibilities that go along with signing that legal document.

I love my gay family and friends just as much as I love my Christian family and friends. I might not always agree with either of them, but I always believe they deserve equal rights. Traditional marriage is a legal right.