The hardest thing about raising teenagers is that they suck. And they’re terrible people. And they never listen to a damn word you say. You would think that as they get older this idiotic behavior would improve. But it doesn’t, probably because teenagers become worse people as they get older. I’m not sure which age they start to get better, but I have a 16-year-old who shows no signs of behaving like a normal, reasonable human person any time soon.
We are trying to get the big kids summer plan figured out. Since we will sell this house and get packed out quite a while before we can actually leave Alaska we have to move into Army Lodging for a little while. Under normal circumstances living in an efficiency hotel room is unpleasant, add two 6-year-olds and two 16-year-olds to the equation and it is miserable beyond any stretch of the imagination. The smell alone is enough to kill a cat. Luckily we don’t have one of those, just a stupid dog who will either add to the stench or be sentenced to several weeks in an overpriced kennel.
To avoid further cirrhosis of my liver we are sending the big kids to visit family in Texas while we are in lodging. They usually spend some time each summer with them anyway, so everyone is on board. The big kids get out of school May 23, we aren’t scheduled to leave here until the beginning of July. John told us that if his soccer team makes it to the state tournament he’ll miss it if he goes to Texas. This is the conversation, seriously – word for word.
“Yeah, so I won’t be able to play at state if I go to Grandma’s”
“How do you know that?”
“Because the tournament is after school gets out.”
“Well, when is it, is it a month after school is out? That wouldn’t make sense.”
“I don’t know, Mom. Nobody knows. They have to play all the games first to see who goes to state.”
“Where is it?”
“I think it’s way down in Kenai. I’m not sure they know that yet.”
“John, I’m sure there is a web site with that information, they don’t plan this stuff at the last minute. A state soccer tournament is kind of a big deal.”
“No Mom, that’s not how it works. Duh.”
He then rolled his eyes and finished his dinner with a look on his face that said, PARENTS ARE SO STUPID. Today I told him the tournament was the three days after school got out, held at one of the local high schools. He told me, “no way Mom, it’s not being held here.”
I showed him the site. He said, “Ummm, Mom this is last year.”
“John, it says Alaska State Soccer Tournament 2013.”
“I know Mom. But these pictures are from last year, I know these kids.”
“Ohmyfreakinggod. John, they don’t have any pictures from this year because it hasn’t happened yet. Look at it, it says 2013.”
Terrible, awful, smelly, gross people. That’s what teenagers are.