I’ve managed to get a handle on our morning routine. After many mornings of tears, pouting, foot stomping, and yelling (some of it even done by the children) we’ve figured it out. We have a schedule that we follow which makes everything easier. The boys seem happy and I almost never think about wine at 7 AM anymore. Part of the routine includes me getting a shower in. I shower every day, sometimes twice. I know it’s neurotic, don’t judge me.

I get the boys clothes out while they finish eating, then I jump in for a quick shower. When I come out, they’re usually dressed and ready to prepare their lunches. Monday I followed the plan, but right as I was about to step in the shower I heard an awful crashing noise. I grabbed my towel, wrapped by wings and things in it and ran to the dining room. Jackson was on the floor with a scrap of paper towel attempting to wipe up spilled milk and cereal.

“It fell” he said.

There’s no chance it just fell. It was pushed, probably by a hand pretending to be a super hero or airplane. Either way there was a bowl of milk and Captain Crunch rapidly spreading on the floor. I grabbed another towel and started sopping it up. On my hands and knees, swatting away the stupid dog, wiping up the mess from the floor, the chair, and the table – wearing only a towel. Jackson wanted more cereal, immediately. He doesn’t understand how to read moods or wait five freaking minutes so I don’t lose my mind.

Deep, cleansing breaths…

Once that mess was cleared up I went back to the bathroom only to find Reese squatting on the toilet. That’s how he does it, in a squat with both feet on the toilet and one hand on the sink for leverage. It sounds weird, but I think it makes it easier to get the browns to the Superbowl that way because his little tushie isn’t sinking. If I were a good Mom we would have a smaller toilet ring for them to use. But I’m not, so we don’t.

I waited for him to finish his business and ushered him out of the bathroom. I flushed, because God knows he would never think to do it, and watched the water not drain. Not even a little. My guess is something else went down the toilet before his poop did, possibly Captain America – I don’t know. When you have kids you never know what’s going to wind up down the drains. I can’t use a plunger, I’m not strong enough I guess. I had to snake it out. I had two options; shower first then snake or snake now and then shower.

Obviously, I’d want to shower post-feces handling so I got out the snake.

I’m still in just a towel. Let me tell you, it’s hard to keep a towel on when you’re dry. Or when you’re trying to clean up spilled cereal or snake a clogged toilet. By the time I got finished I had exactly 27 seconds to shower, get dressed, and take the boys to school because it’s too cold to drive  to the school wearing only a towel.

I told this story to Dallas. He said, “I bet it was kinda hot.” Men are stupid.

 

When the twinkies got home from school today they had to clean up the Legos in their bedroom. We yelled at, encouraged, begged, and bribed them to clean them up last night before bed but it didn’t happen. They were busy playing with them and ignoring us. I told them they would have to clean them up as soon as they got home from school which worked out perfectly because I had work to do in our almost-renovated bathroom. It would take an adult 8 minutes to clean up the Legos, two six-year-olds would require at least an hour. Probably more.

I got out my little chair and started painting the ceiling. It took 13 minutes for Reese and Jackson to start bothering me.

“Mom, can I have a snack?”

“Yes, you can have a Go-Gurt, then clean up the Legos.”

“Can you cut me up an apple?”

“No, I’m painting the ceiling (obviously) have a Go-Gurt.”

“Do I have to clean up all the Legos?”

“Yes.”

“Ok, but I don’t care about the ones in the box. So I’ll just leave them there.”

“No, clean up all the Legos.”

“Mommy, can I go potty.”

“Yes, then clean up the Legos.”

“I like what you did in the bathroom.”

“Thanks, now clean up the Legos.”

“I like the walls, they’re gray now.”

“Good. Clean up the Legos.”

“I like these squares on the walls.”

“Ok, good, clean up the Legos.”

“Hey Mom, I think Sadie needs to be let out.”

“No she doesn’t clean up the Legos.”

“Mom, what are you doing?”

“Still painting the ceiling, clean up the Legos.”

“Can I have another Go-Gurt?”

“No, clean up the Legos.”

“Can I have a piece of candy?”

“No, clean up the Legos.”

“Can I have a cookie?”

“No, clean up the Legos.”

“Mom, should I take this ball to John?”

“No, clean up the Legos.”

“How do you spell ball?”

“B-A-L-L clean up the Legos.”

“Can I wash my hands in there?”

“No, clean up the Legos.”

“Sometimes my butt itches. Then I scratch it.”

“Are you going to clean up the Legos?”

“Should I wash my hands first.?”

I hate Legos. Now I have to sanitize them.