Last week I hugged Jackson and he yelled, “Mom! You’re choking me with your privates!” He meant my hoots. I’d never thought of breasts as “privates” but I figured if that’s what he wanted to call them, that was fine. I try to teach the kids the anatomically correct names for body parts, but I don’t stress out about it. If privates works for him – then privates it is. And for the record, I was not actually choking him with my “privates” he’s just crazy.
A few days later I was cleaning out my dresser. As our move gets closer my piles of stuff to get rid of are slowly taking over the basement. I love moving because I hate clutter, every change of station is a chance to purge – it’s awesome. I had emptied out a drawer of underthings and bathing suits on the floor. Reese picked up a pair of bikini bottoms and said, “what are these?” I told him they were the bottom part of a bathing suit and the top was somewhere in the pile. Reese said, “so there’s a part that covers up your things on top?” He pointed to his chest. I told him they were called breasts and that yes, that was what the other part covered up. He asked if it was ok to use the word “boobs” I told him it was ok, but saying breasts was nicer. I call them boobs or hoots, but he’s six – breasts is nicer coming from him.
Either privates or breasts, I guess that works. I didn’t give their anatomical vocabulary any more thought. They know all they need to know.
However, a day later I had to rethink that assessment. Reese brought home a picture of a skeleton and I pointed out different parts showing him the skull, ribs, and other bones. He pointed to his crotch and said, “where’s this part?”
I said, “that part isn’t on here, this is just bones.”
“What about the bone that’s in it?”
“There’s no bone in it, it’s just muscle.”
“My wiener.”
“Yes, just muscle.”
“What about your part that’s not a wiener? I know what it’s called, it begins with an F.”
“An F?”
“Yes, it begins with an F. Am I…am I allowed to say it?”
“I’m not sure you’re calling it the right thing.”
“Yes, I am, I know it’s F-U…”
“Stop! Wait, it’s not called that.”
“FUDGEINA!”
I’ve decided just to teach them it’s called a flower.
Seriously, $8.95 for a plastic container to protect a piece of fruit that comes in its own naturally protective case. Also, it looks NSFW. Promise me you won’t send your kids to school with this, they might get expelled.
Like bananas, french fries come in a container. Instead of wasting money on a plastic holder for your fries, just put the box between your knees like the rest of us philistines.
