I cried at the Dentist’s today.
I think it was the first time in a while that I have been able to let myself go. The first time I had a moment to think about how lonely I am. I guess that’s what this all comes down to. I’m lonely.
One of my best friends, Jackie, is leaving tomorrow. She was my deployment husband, my sounding board for all of the crap this Army life throws at us. Her husband was deployed too and was Dallas’ direct superior. Our relationship was special on many levels. But mostly, I needed her because of her loyalty. I always knew that no matter what – Jackie had my back. We went through a lot together. A lot of tears and a lot of cursing and a lot of laughing it out – and now she’s gone too.
I don’t know how I’m going to get through the rest of this deployment without her. I really don’t.
Our troop suffered another loss this week. Another young man – just a baby really – lost his life in Afghanistan. Three other soldiers were seriously wounded. It makes me angry. I’m so mad that our people keep dying over a war that I don’t understand for people I don’t care about. I know I’m not supposed to think that way. I have faith that our leaders know more than I do – that there is some plan that makes all of this worth it. But I don’t care.
I just want them all to come home.
I want my husband to come home.
Because I’m lonely without him. I’ve been lonely since the moment he left, more than 250 days ago. I have amazing friends and a community both here and in real life that support me completely. But it’s not enough. I’m done. I’m ready for this to be over. I’m at the point where this – the deployment, the casualties, the uncertainty – needs to be over.
It’s impossible. What we’re doing as Army wives – it really is nearly impossible to get through. I don’t know how we all find the strength to get out of bed each day not knowing if today is the day our soldier doesn’t make it home. These women are so strong and brave.
And lonely, even though we try to hide it.
That’s the thing about loneliness, it sneaks up on you when you least expect it.
Like when you’re getting your teeth cleaned.
Thanks to my patient hygienist, Tammy – you made a lonely Army wifes day a little easier today.